The Ongoing Sailor Moon Saga
by YoujiK33
Summary: A bunch of caffeine-induced insanity featuring magically revived villains. ^_^* This one makes no sense and was never supposed to.


This fic is insane. Absolutely insane. It means nothing, everyone is out-of-character, and there are so many in-jokes that probably a very few people will actually find it amusing. In the original - written by myself and an, uh, ex-friend (you don't want to hear the whole messy story behind that) during much of our early high-school years - we used weird symbols instead of the characters' names, meaning that we didn't have to choose sub or dub identities. So when I typed it up... I mixed them around a lot. ^_^* Mostly, the Sailors are all their dub names, but the four kings are the originals. And Zoisite is male except for a couple of occasional slips. ^_^* Um, enjoy, if you can. Oh- also, this fic has no end. It probably never will. Just to warn you now. 

Part One 

One bright day Serena was walking to school. Well, okay, actually she was late (surprise) and was tearing down the street. Suddenly she crashed into... Jadeite! 

"Aaaah!" he screamed. "It's HER!" Jadeite then ran off screaming. Serena was way too stupid to recognize him, so she shrugged and kept running. Nothing eventful happened during the school day, so we won't go into it. 

Jadeite went on to Nephrite's house, where he complained of his encounter with Serena. "She scares me," he whined. 

"Shut up, you're spoiling the party," Zoisite said, handing him a beer. Jadeite drank some and turned up the music. 

The loud music blasting from the mansion lasted well into the night. Ami, who lived nearby, was distracted from her studies and went to ask politely for it to be turned down. (That's the story she told later, anyway. In truth, Ami was practicing arcane magic and was afraid the noise would interfere with her demon-summoning.) 

When she knocked on the door to the mansion, Kunzite answered the door. "Here to join the party?" he asked, failing to recognize her as Sailor Mercury since he was completely bombed. Ami, after her initial shock, decided to take the opportunity to find out what was going on. One of the first sights that met Ami's eyes was Jadeite and Zoisite doing the can-can. Shaking her head, Ami slipped through the crowd of extras to call the other Scouts. 

As soon as all the Scouts arrived (it took quite awhile, since they'd had to get Usagi out of bed) Sailor Mars struck a pose and shouted, "In the name of Mars! How did all you dead generals come back?!" 

"Thank me for that!" a mysterious voice sounded from behind them. Whirling, the Scouts saw..... 

Trelane! 

But Trelane didn't last very long because a Big Force from Above that doesn't like Trelane came and wiped him out with a machete. 

"Yay," the chorus of Scouts, generals, and extras shouted. (They didn't like him, either. And for his one line, I'd say they're a pretty good judge of character.) 

Since all the Scouts were there, Darien wasn't far behind. 

"Hey, I never get to go anywhere cool! Probably because I don't know where I work and don't have any money and always wear dorky clothes like the pink shirt I'm wearing now!" Darien stated. "Man, I like Tuxedo Mask's cape! I think I'll transform," and he did. 

Kunzite was just in the middle of doing his best "drunken-general-in-a-cape" impression when a gang of youma jumped him. 

"Mumble, mumble, mumble!" they shouted, which literally translated, means "We want cheese logs!" 

"Hey... hic don't mess with me hic I'm a... Negaverse genhiceral!" Kunzite yelled and threateningly shook a bottle of Jack Daniels at them. 

"We don't got hic any damn cheese logs!" Kunzite said. 

"But because of Zoisite, we have all the Twinkies in the world," Kunzite mumbled. 

Since Sailor Moon was all hyper off the Twinkies, all the scouts figured it was their night off. For reasons that can't be explained, Mars had her German dance music CD so Venus, Mercury, Mars, Jupiter and Sam Neill (?) were grooving to the music. 

"Ah rink dink dink DINK. Ah rink dink dink," sang the scouts plus Sam Neill. 

Suddenly Luna burst in. "Scouts!" she shouted. "Why are you standing around dancing to German techno?! FIGHT!" 

"Awww, look at the cute widdle kitty!" Nephrite said, picking her up. 

"Yowr!" Luna yowred. "Put me down! You're supposed to be dead!" 

"I am?" Nephrite said. "Okay." He dropped Luna and collapsed on the floor. 

"Nooo!" Molly shouted. "Nephrite!" She glared at Luna. "You killed him!" 

"Sorry, Molly, but he was drunk and extremely susceptible to suggestion," explained Luna. 

A strange look came across Molly's face. "Hm, maybe he's NOT dead..." She giggled when she checked Nephrite's pulse and found him to be alive. "I got a GREAT idea..." 

*The next scene is edited out by the nice people at DiC* 

"...and then he said 'yer rubber boat?! I thought it was the chicken!'" said Sailor Moon. Everyone broke into uproarious laughter. 

"Ha, that was a good one, Moon!" said Artemis as he wiped a tear away from his eye. "Luna, I think they can all take a break for the night. Really, sometimes you can be *so* uptight!" 

"FINE!" screamed Luna. "I'll just go invite Rini!" and she scampered off before anyone could stop her. 

"But I HATE Rini! She's so annoying and she brainwashed Darien! WAAAHHH!" Sailor Moon cried. 

By this time no one was paying any attention to Moon. They were all having a smashing good time tying up Queen Beryl who was too drunk to care. 

"Man, you better unhictie me before DS9 comes on. Bashir is so HOT!" Beryl said. 

Melvin showed up and brought his insect collection. 

"Wanna see my mantis?" Melvin asked Molly and got hearts in his eyes. 

"Ewww! Go away! You're so... icky!" Molly screamed. 

Luckily Nephrite showed up just then and pounded Melvin into the ground. 

"Oh, Maxfield!" Molly said, smiling. "Hey, want some... cappuccino?" 

Grinning, they left the party, probably to do something DiC wouldn't approve of. 

Suddenly Trelane appeared again. Everyone groaned. "Hey, give me a chance," he pleaded. "I'm the one who organized this groovin' party in the first place." Trelane pouted, looking quite cute. Zoisite pouted too, jealous that Trelane was getting attention and that no one seemed to mind that he'd used a stupid word like "groovin'". 

Then, to no one's surprise, a big sword came and skewered Trelane like a big shish-ka-bob and lifted him out of the scene and placed him on the mantle in Trelane's own house. 

"I knew he shouldn't have used that word," Zoisite said and laughed. 

"Shut up! Youre laughing is SO bloodly annoying! You always laugh like that. The next time you laugh, I'm gonna scream! You should HEAR yourself! Geez, you sound like a bloody hyena! Maybe we should start calling you Shenzi. Enough with the laughing!" cried Luna. 

There was a dead silence in the room. Mostly because half the people were passed out on the floor and the other half were staring agape at Luna. 

"Sorry I... had to stop her from laughing," Luna said apologetically. 

From the back of the room, everyone heard someone singing softly. 

"Celia, you're breaking my heart you're-" Kunzite was singing and quickly stopped when he noticed everyone staring at him. Now, they wouldn't pay that much attention except everyone caught sight of what he was wearing: Tim Curry's wardrobe from "Rocky Horror Picture Show". 

"I... found this in... the closet. Um... I think I'l go and... get my cape..." Kunzite said and ran out of the room. 

Zoisite ran after him. "Wait for me, love! We can have cappuccino!!!" 

"Is anyone else wondering why Nephrite had that outfit in his closet?" Jadeite asked. 

"Yeah, that's an image I really wanted," Mars muttered. 

"Sorry," Jadeite said, pouting. "I'm the only general left! I feel so alone..." 

Rubeus suddenly appeared. "Hey, I heard there was a party," he said . 

"Yay! I'm not alone! ANOTHER VILLAIN!" Jadeite shouted, giving Rubeus a big hug. 

"Ohh boy. No cappuccino for you!" Rubeus said, and grabbed a beer. Everyone noticed that he was carrying his green jacket with him but, as usual, wasn't wearing it. 

"Why don't you put that on?" Venus suggested as her first line in the story. 

"I can't," Rubeus explained. "If I do, a great terror will be upon us..." 

"Oh, stuff it," Mars growled. She and Jupiter held him down while Tuxedo Mask forced the coat on. 

There was a blinding flash of light and the sound of Rubeus screaming when it faded, there stood Trelane! 

"You fools!" Rubeus shouted. "Now he has been released, and there is NO WAY to send him back!" 

Luckily, God showed up just then and said, "Geez, I'm sorry I didn't realise he was so hated. I'm going back in time and changing the curse." And God left. And then there was light. And God said - Oh, wrong book! 

A few moments later, God still hadn't returned. 

"Man, God sure takes a long time," said Rubeus. "I TOLD you not to do that!" 

Then God appeared wearing sun glasses and a hula skirt. "Sorry guys, I can't do anything. Well, I got trapped in a luao so I gotta jet. See ya!" God said. 

Before he could leave, Serena spoke up. "Waaaaiiit a minute! Something looks VERRRY familiar about him..." she said. Then she ran up to God and yanked at his face. "Heyyy... you're not God! You're David Attenborough PLAYING GOD!!!" 

"Yes, it is I, Sir David Attenborough. And for no other reason but boredom. Bye now!" David said and left. 

Well, since Trelane can't be disposed of, Jadeite and Rubeus stuffed him into a vase, perma-sealed it, stuck it in a container with radioactive goo, and threw it across the country where it can NEVER BE FOUND AGAIN!!! Then everyone went home and took a nap. Night fell. It was a dark night. The wind blew quickly like a $20 whore. And then it was morning. 

Serena woke up at 3:00 am trying to figure out just what the last lines meant, as well as why she'd been saying David when his name was actually Richard. She was suddenly aware of a prescence in her room, and hesitantly turned on a light. 

"Trelane?!" Serena shrieked. "How'd you get here?" 

"Perhaps the vase will never be found, but I'm omnipotent. I can escape anything!" Trelane replied. 

"Gee, Trelane. I never realized how attractive you are," Serena said, hearts in her eyes. 

"Oh, Serena, I love you!" Trelane said. "Want some cappuccino?" 

"Oh, of course, Trelane! Never leave me again!" Serena kissed him passionately. 

"Hey, what about me?" Darien asked, since he was there too for someodd reason. 

"Find someone else!" Serena and Trelane shouted. "Find your true love!" 

Darien's eyes lit up. "Zoisite, I'm coming for you!" 

Ami was studying biochemistry in the next room and looked up as Darien ran past. 

"Where the HELL are you going?" she asked politely. 

"I'm going to seek out the love of the fair Zoisite. I will climb hill and dale, cross stream and ocean to be with him. Just as you study biochemistry, I MUST be with my one true love!" Darien explained dramatically. 

"Okay, two things: one- he lives right down the street. And two - I always thought Kunzite was more your type. Plus, Zoisite's not much of a stallion if you catch my drift," Ami said and winked. 

"Uh, um, er... h-how would y-you know?" Darien stammered because of too much caffeine. 

"Well," Ami said coyly, "Being intelligent isn't my only forte." And she kissed Darien passionately. "NOW where do you have to go?" 

"Er, only to the drugstore for a moment, love," Darien said and ran off. 

As we leave our young (Trelane?) lovers, we travel to another world. A world where everyone is kind and you can get a decent cup of coffee for a buck. AND NO TAX! This world is called... Anthracite Coal Land. 

"Man, this is the STUFF!" cried Nephrite as he devoured a McChicken sandwich. "Wow this is- hey! What the-? Get away! I came here to be alone and YOU come in here with your, your BIG FANCY WORDS and I don't need it! Go away! Leave! Unless you have some tartar sauce...?" 

"Uh... no, I must have left it in my other coat," a girl in a black skirt said. "I'll, er, leave you and go make up something else, 'kay?" 

Nephrite was too engrossed in the sandwich to care. 

In the meantime, Darien had reached the drugstore and was about to make his purchase when... 

"Hi, Darien!" Rei said from her place behind him in line. "What brings you out at this time of night?" 

"I'm, er, just picking up a few essentials," Darien explained, trying to hide the box in his hands. "You?" 

"I just got a major chocolate craving," said Rei, holding up a King-sized Hershey bar. "So what're you buying? Huh? Huh?" 

"Nothing!" Darien yelled, pushing her back while he paid. "ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!" Darien then ran screaming from the drugstore, clutching the mysterious box. 

"Damn!" Rei muttered. "Now I'll never know!" 

"Sure you will," said the cashier, who was actually Jadeite in his new job. He leaned over and whispered in Rei's ear, and her eyes widened. 

"Oh, no," she groaned. "I'll bet it's Ami again, the little s**t." 

"Hm, yes, she is isn't she," Jadeite mumbled, a strange smile on his face. 

Rei gave Jadeite a VERY dirty look, and he shrugged sheepishly. 

Meanwhile, Darien was running down the street clutching the strange package. He stopped at the corner, looked around, and stared at the package. It was, obviously, a box of... crayons!?! 

"Hey, I just bought a coloring book yesterday and I needed some crayons. What, did you think it was something kinky? You SICK people! Right, me and Ami. Uh-huh, sure things. Gosh, I'm in my 20's; I have NO interest in 14-year-olds. Well, except Serena..." Darien said. He then walked the rest of the way to his apartment. 

Darien was in the elevator going up when the elevator suddenly stopped. And then started again. "Whew! That was a close call!" Darien exclaimed. When he got inside his apartment, after five minutes of trying to remember which key went into the lock (even though there was only one key in his pocket), he stopped and marvelled the box of crayons. He looked up at the back of his door and saw a large bloodstain. "I KNEW I forgot something! Maybe I can just draw a nice picture with my crayons and hang it over the stain..." Darien trailed off, deep in thought. 

In the meantime, Kunzite and Zoisite were busy doing... well, they were busy. Actually, they were making chocolate chip cookies for the the annual Negaverse potluck. Zoisite was wearing the CUTEST pink apron. 

"Kunzite, how many cups of sugar do we need?" Zoisite asked. 

"Um... I dunno. I was too busy eating the chocolate chips. Sorry," Kunzite replied and looked sheepish. 

"I want to to be under the sea in an octopus' garden in the shade," a voice sang. 

"What the f*** was THAT?" Zoisite said and dropped the bag of flour he was holding. 

"MMPARGN Snorftla PH!" Kunzite said through a mouthful of chocolate chips, which translates as "I'm not cleaning that up!" 

"Bang, bang, Maxwell's silver hammer," the voice sang again, a little closer this time. 

"Kunzite, it's comging from the bedroom!" Zoisite said, sounding frightened. He ran into Kunzite's arms. "I'm so afraid! Go see what it is, love. Please?" 

"Mphqarxsnakjblaf!" Kunzite said. (Translation: Okay!) He ran into the other room as the voice started singing the first few lines of "Eleanor Rigby". 

"Ah-ha," Kunzite said, mouth clear of chocolate chips. "I've got you." Kunzite lifted up the covers and peeked under the bed . "Oh my God, it cna't be! It's... it's... Roddy MacDowell!" 

"Hello," said Roddy MacDowell. And he disappeared. 

"Um, what was THAT for?!" said Zoisite. 

"I don't know. It was kinda neat, though," Kunzite said. 

Meanwhile, Darien was sitting down trying very hard to think of something to draw. 

"I've got it!" he said. "Since I want to cover that stain, I'll draw the man who's responsible for it!" Hearts in eyes, Darien busily went to work. "Hm... I need the perfect emerald green... and that lovely copper colour..." 

Many hours of hard work and tears later, a realistic, life-sized portrait of Zoisite hung on the door. Darien sighed. "Oh, Zoisite, my darling! You must know of my love for you! Ami distracted me last time, but now, nothing shall stand in my way!" Darien dashed from his apartment. 

He dashed down the street and ran through the city, finally collapsing on Zoisite's doorstep. He had just enough strength to ring the bell before he passed out, wondering... "Why didn't I drive? I have a car AND a motorcycle!" 

Just then, Zoisite answered the door. "Uh... Kunzite, there's a guy sprawled out on our doorstep. Er... we're not going to have a repeat of what happened last week are we? Because I'm kinda tired and Nephrite won't let me borrow that outfit again because of the chocolate syrup stain from last time," he said. 

By this time, Darien had woken up and was staring at Zoisite with hearts in his eyes. 'Oh, Zoisite my love, I have reached your doorstep. I have waited for this moment for so long. Let's seal our love with a kiss," Darien said. 

Zoisite shrank back in horror. "KUNZITE! TELL DARIEN TO GO AWAY! HE'S SCARING ME!" 

"Uh... how'd you know my name? I don't think you've ever heard it. I mean, it's good, because you're not stupid and you recognize me but... oh, my head hurts!" Darien said. 

All of a sudden, Kunzite burst into the hallway singing "Silver Bells". He was wearing fishnet stockings and a trench coat. "Silver bells, silver bells, it's Christmas time in the city. Ring-a-ling, hear them ring-" 

"SHUT UP!" Zoisite and Darien yelled. 

"Kunzite, I told you, NOT WHEN COMPANY'S HERE," Zoisite said between clenched teeth. 

Kunzite looked sheepish and wandered off to get changed. 

Darien smiled and looked deeply into Zoisite's eyes. "Now that we're alone..." he whispered. 

"Ewww!" Zoisite shrieked, conjuring a big ice crystal. 

Darien sighed. "I remember the time you almost killed me with one of those. That romantic song was playing..." Zoisite screamed and ran into the house while Darien chased him, singing. "There will come a day, somewhere far away, in your arms I'll stay, my only love..." 

He finally cornered Zoisite in the bathrooms, where he had dropped the crystal and was sobbing with his head in his hands. "Go away, Darien!" he cried. "Just go away! I hate you!" 

"Hate me?" Darien said incredelously, eyes watering. "But I LOVE you!" Darien then fell to his knees and sobbed beside Zoisite. 

Kunzite walked in, went to the bathroom, and left again. Several minutes later he looked back in the doorway, just noticing them. "What ARE you two doing?" he asked. "Were you watching Disney movies again? I know Ariel had to leave her family, but she's with Eric now!" They continued sobbing. Kunzite sighed. "Okay, fine. I'm gonna go color!" he stated, leaving Darien and Zoisite in the bathroom. 

Kunzite settled down in fromnt of his paper, crayons in hand. After a moment's thought, he began busily drawing a picture of his one true love... his cape. 

"Well, there's blue here. And then this is... blue... and then there's... the blue part. Oh, wow! More blue!" Kunzite exclaimed. He held up his picture proudly for all to see. 

Just then a preacher walked in weearing a polyester robe. 

"Hey, is that polyester?" Darien, Zoisite, and Kunzite all asked. 

"Yes," replied the preacher. He looked at the camera (?) and said "I am a man of the synthetic cloth." And then he left. 

Kunzite shrugged and hugged his cape. "Oh, my darling, how could I ever without you?" 

Zoisite hugged him. "I feel the same way..." 

"Not you!" Kunzite said in annoyance, pulling away from Zoisite and giving the cape a passionate kiss. 

"Gee," Darien said as he transformed into Tuxedo Mask, "I don't get that way about my..." He trailed off and pulled off his cape to look at it more closely. Then he gave it a big hug. "Oh, my darling! I love you! Let's get married!" Tux and Kunzite were both kissing their capes, while Zoisite watched in annoyance. 

"What about ME?" he whined. "I thought you both loved ME! WAAAHHH!" Zoisite ran from the room. 

"I don't need Darien OR Kunzite!" he declared. "I can find someone new!" Zoisite proceeded to begin coloring. 

Then he looked at his finished picture of Jadeite and sighed longingly. 

Kunzite looked over and saw Zoisite and realized that he loved him more than anything, even his cape. 

"Zoisite, I do love you!" Kunzite yelled. Zoisite dropped his picture of Jadeite and ran into Kunzite's arms. 

"I love you, too! Want to play chess?" Kunzite asked. 

"Of course!" Zoisite said and they left Darien alone with his cape. 

Meanwhile, back at Serena's house, she had just woken up and was looking around her room when she spotted Trelane lying next to her in bed, sucking his thumb. 

"OH MY GOD! What the hell is he doing here? Oh no, I DIDN'T!" Serena said. 

"My darling, you did," Trelane replied and reached over to Serena to kiss her. 

"Eww... get away from me! You're icky! I can't believe it! Did you give me a spanish fly or something? Ew ew ew ew *ew*!" Serena said as she scrambled out of bed. 

"Moon Prism Power!" Serena said, and transformed. "I am here to save the world from evil, omnipotent beings like you! You must be a monster." Sailor Moon pulled out the crescent moon wand. "Moon healing... activation!" Moon said while she raised her hands above her head. 

"No! Please don't! I can't live in my natural form, it's not omnipotent... AAAAAAaaaaaa...." Trelane yelled as he was made fuzzy. 

When the transformation was complete, there sat... a clown! 

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!" everyone yelled, even if they couldn't see, they knew. You always know when evil like that appears. 

Zoisite showed up and slashed the clown to death with the black crystal thingy (I forgot the name). "There! He's finally dead," Zoisite yelled. 

There was much rejoicing. 

Serena suddenly woke up. "Whoa, what a weird dream! Trelane was a clown?! And we..." she shuddered, then turned and saw him lying next to her. "Oh boy." 

"Oh, you're awake, my darling," Trelane said, then tried to kiss her. 

"Ah!" Serena screamed, falling out of bed. "Leave me alone! I can have you arrested for statutory rape!" 

"But, Serena, I love you..." Trelane said. 

"Aaahhh!" 

"Fine. I'll just... go home, I guess..." Looking terribly sad and pathetic, Trelane transported back to the Q Continuum. 

"Phew," Serena sighed. "He's gone." 

There was much rejoicing. 

Now of course, Trelane's parents were really mad and even angrier that Q didn't try to stop him. So both Trelane and Q had giant anvils dropped on their heads and that was the end of that. 

Kunzite felt like singing. So he did. He called his best friend, Sam Neill, over and they started singing "If I Can't Love Her" which sounds a helluva lot like a certain John Tesh song. 

Considering Kunzite and Sam Neill were both tenors and can sing really well, it's no wonder that they were discovered many years later and formed the singing/songwriting team of "S&M: Zwolf" and went on tour in many countries and had a hit song, "Wolverines Are Not For Petting". 

Anyway, Mina hadn't really been in the action and wasn't doing anything to be mentioned. So she and Katzie threw a tennis ball at Melvin. 

"What was THAT for?!" Melvin said, rubbing his head. 

"Nothing," chorused Mina and Katzie. 

Having Mina mentioned, we move on. 

Tuxedo Mask was lying in bed holding his cape close when there was a knock on the door. Grumbling, he kissed his cape and gently laid it down, then went to open the door. 

Unfortunately, I can't think of who was at the door, so we'll move on. 

Jadeite's job at the drugstore had been going quite well. Since he had been in eternal sleep for quite a while, he found he now needed no sleep at all, so he worked all day and all night for weeks and became quite rich. He bought a big house that was, coincidentally, right next to Rei's temple. Jadeite really liked Rei, but wasn't sure how to get her attention. Neither am I, so we'll go back to Tux. 

Standing in the doorway was the most evil being in our universe... Ronald McDonald! Tux stared in horror at the deathly white face with blood-red hair, but then composed himself and sent a barrage of deadly roses at his face. 

The evil clown shrieked and slowly disintegrated. Later, no one would believe the tale, but Darien always knew he had saved the world from annhiliation. 

Jadeite figured out a way to get Rei to notice him: he would disguise himself as a common man named Jed. 

"No one will know who I am. I disguise myself so cleverly," Jadeite thought in an extreme closeup of the side of his face. "They can't tell who I am because I changed my shirt." Jadeite laughed manically and walked into Rei's temple. 

"Hey, Jadeite! How're you?" Rei yelled. 

"Doh!" Jadeite thought. He ran away to think of a better plan. "Hm. If her wacked-out grandpa knew who I was, he'd never let me in there." Jadeite shuffled around in his costume box. "Aha!" he shouted, pulling out his cruise ship captain's uniform. "This is my best disguise, since it automatically gives me dark hair and a tan!" 

Thus disguised, he strolled back onto temple grounds. 

"Hey," said Chad, "Aren't you the captain of the Love Boat? Wow, this rocks!" Several other people heard the shout, and soon Jadeite was surrounded by people wanting his autograph. He was unable to go find Rei. 

Jadeite could think of only one other way. It was embarassing, but for Rei, he'd do anything. 

First he went to see Zoisite. "Can I borrow some makeup?" he asked sheepishly. 

"Why?" Zoisite asked. Jadeite reluctantly explained the plan. Zoisite agreed to help (after he'd stopped laughing.) 

"Let's see, we'll definately need mascara... and a touch of blush... and some lipstick and a dress, I think red is your color..." 

Four hours and loads of makeup later, Jadeite looked just like a woman (somewhat flat-chested) in a short red dress. 

"Wow," Zoisite said, "You've really got the legs for it." 

"Really?" said Jadeite, flattered. "Well, I want to get this over with. I'm off!" Jadeite didn't even notice Zoisite taking pictures of him as he left (possibly for blackmail?). 

Jadeite reached the temple and began looking around for Rei. Unfortunately, Rei's grandpa found him first... 

"Get away from me, you dirty old man!" Jadeite shrieked girlishly as Rei's grandpa tried hitting on him. It was impossible to run in high heels, so he gave Rei's grandpa a mighty kick that sent him flying into oblivion. 

"Phew," Jadeite muttered, then kept looking for Rei. 

He finally found her feeding her crows. "Rei?" he said tentatively. 

She looked at him. "Can I help you with something... ma'am?" She seemed a bit unsure of his true gender. 

"Rei, it's me," Jadeite said, stepping closer. 

"Jadeite?! I didn't know you were, uh, that type..." 

"I'm not! I did this to get in here to see you..." Jadeite walked closer and stared into Rei's eyes. 

"I'm... flattered..." she whispered. 

Jadeite leaned forward and kissed her. 

Chad just happened to walk by the scene. He did a double take, then fainted. 

"Well then," Rei said, grinning. "Let's get you out of those clothes..." 

Then they both realised that this was still a somewhat PG story and didn't want to have a lawsuit on their hands from some over-protective mom who didn't want her son to dress in drag and then go off to some Japanese temple to find the girl he loves (close-minded b****!). 

While all this had been going on, Serena and Ami were at the arcade. Serena was hoping to see Andrew and Ami was there to take her mind off everything and Luna wanted her to keep an eye on Serena who was looking around the arcade, searching for Andrew. 

Serena came across Rei and Jadeite, who had decided after a lot of thought that they'd better stick to the PG elements. Jadeite was now wearing jeans and a t-shirt, although he still had traces of makeup. He and Rei were trying to get a Beryl doll from the crane game. 

"Have either of you seen Andrew?" Serena asked. 

"Nope. Anyway, why should it matter? You have Darien," Jadeite pointed out. 

"Correction. I HAD Darien. Now he just spends all day with his cape," Serena pouted. 

"So you have to make him forget his cape. and tell him you need to be with him and that it's not healthy to be... with a cape," Jadeite suggested Just stop by his house. 

"You know it IS kind of Kunzite's fault that Darien loves his cape so much," Serena said thoughtfully. "Maybe we should get Kunzite to convince Darien that capes aren't everything." 

So Serena went over to Kunzite's house. "I need to get my boyfriend's mind off his cape!" she explained. 

"Why? Being in love with a cape is perfectly natural. The soft, silky fabric... the rich colors... the sensual folds..." Kunzite trialed off with a sigh. "My cape is more important to me that anything!" Zoisite elbowed him in the ribs. "Er, except you, dear," Kunzite corrected sheepishly. 

"But how do I get him to choose me over the cape?" Serena wailed. 

"Show him what you can do that it can't," Zoisite suggested. 

"I can't! This is a PG story! Plus, a cape can be substituted for... many different things. But we promised to keep it PG so let's not get into that." And they didn't. Instead they all went to the local burger joint and had hamburgers. 

Part 2!!!!!! 

Darien, in the meantime, was having a heart-to-heart talk with his cape. 

"Oh, I love you soooo much but we don't really know each other. What's your favorite color?" Darien asked. 

The cape just sat there. 

"Really? I never liked that color myself. Tell me honestly, what do you think of my curtains?" 

Still the cape just sat. 

"What?! You hate them?! I spent hours picking out the fabric! How dare you insult my draperies! I'm sorry but this relationship is OVER!" 

The cape continued to sit there. 

"I have better things to do than... spend time with ignorant pieces of clothing like you. Good bye!" And Darien stormed out of his apartment. And marched right back in. "This is MY place; YOU leave!" And he threw the cape out the window. 

Serena was just about to go into Darien's apartment building when the world around her went dark. "Aaaaah!" she screamed. Then she realized that something had fallen over her head. Pulling it off, Serena was shocked to realize it was THE cape. 

"Darien must not want you anymore!" she exclaimed. "Even though you are beatiful..." Serena hugged it, then screamed and threw it far away. "I can't let it get control over me!" she shouted, running into the building. 

The cape had, in the meantime, just landed in front of Rini. She squealed in delight and wrapped herself up in it, falling instantly into its spell. She stayed there with it until she died of exposure. There was much rejoicing. 

Since the cape had been infected with the evil that is Rini, it spontaneously combusted. Serena was happy. "Now I can have Darien again." And she went up to his apartment. 

She pushed the door open and was astonished to see Darien and the curtains curled up on the couch watching a movie. They were apparantly watching a sad romantic movie, for Darien was crying into the fabric. As Serena got closer she saw that it was... 

" 'Toy Story'?" 

Darien jumped in surprise. "How dare you interrupt our intimate moment!" 

"You're crying at 'Toy Story'!" 

He sniffed. "I happen to think it's a touching story." 

"Darien...." Serena grabbed the curtains, and Darien screamed and launched after her. 

Serena deftly threw them out the window. 

"Nooo! My darling! I can't live without you!" Darien prepared to jump from the balcony. Serena leapt after him, barely managing to catch one leg. Serena struggled to pull him up while he screamed "No! Let me die! Just let me die!!!" 

'No, Darien! I love you!" shrieked Serena. "Somebody help me! I can't pull him up!" Her shouts echoed across Tokyo. 

Suddenly, there was a man next to her. He helped pull the sniveling Darien up, then prepared to leave. 

"Wait! Who are you?" Serena asked. 

He shrugged. "Just some extra." Then he left. 

Serena shrugged and looked confused but forgot about it after a while. 

"Darien, I love you! Please come back to me!" Serena whined and burst out crying. 

"But... the curtains!" Darien cried. 

"Oh, screw the- no, never mind, I did NOT mean that! WAAAAAAAHHHH!" 

There they were, Serena and Darien both wailing like two schoolchildren who had been hurt while sliding down the slide (or something else like that) when the door opened. 

"Stop your crying. You can both do good if you believe in yourself," said the shadow standing in the doorway. 

Serena had stopped wailing and was sobbing and looked perplexed. 'It can't be! That white cape, that turban, it's- the Moonlight Knight!" 

"Yes, it IS I, the Moonlight Knight." 

"But if you're here, then Tuxedo Mask must be gone but he's not so... what's up?" 

"Well-" And the Moonlight Knight was interrupted by Darien. 

"I've fooled you, Serena, I'm NOT really Darien," Darien said, completely composed now. 

"That was supposed to be MY line!" whined the Moonlight Knight. "I wanted to say it!" He stomped his foot and looked upset. 

"Uh... sorry. Anyway, I am simply posing as Darien so I could... I could... well, there was really no alterior motive," the fake Darien said. "And I'm sorry about the cape and stuff," he said, looking sheepish. 

"It's a good thing Darien doesn't have shag carpeting," Serena mumbled. 

"What was that?" chorused the Moonlight Knight and the fake Darien. 

"Nothing," she said and did her best I'm-an-innocent-Sailor-Scout look. "So... who are you really?" 

"Well... I'm... come here and I'll tell you," the fake Darien said and motioned Serena over. He whispered in Serena's ear and she started giggling. Then laughing. Then she lost control and was rolling on the floor. 

'Hahahaha... gasp really?! Hee hee ha ha... I giggle never would have hiccup guessed! Ahhahahahahahaha!" 

The fake Darien was turning red and looked a bit flustered. 

"Can I tell everyone?" asked Serena between laughing fits. 

"Uh... I... guess so." 

"It's not Darien it's..." she looked at him and burst out laughing. "It's... Ryan Stiles!" 

There was silence (except for her laughing) and someone spoke up. "Who the hell is that?!" 

"Ya know, from 'The Drew Carey Show'? Was a regular on 'Whose Line Is It Anyway'?" 

"Oh." 

"Wait," said Serena, "So where's the REAL Darien?" 

Ryan scratched his head. "I dunno. Somewhere in Sumeria B. C. 787." 

"Oh... it's all so clear now," Serena said and rolled her eyes. 

"So, you think my dear curtains are all right?" said Ryan-as-Darien. 

"Sure." She hurried down, picked up the slightly dirty curtains, and came back to give them to Ryan. He smiled and hugged them. 

"So, will you leave me alone now?" he asked. 

"Okay." So Serena left. 

"Phew, I can't believe that worked!" said Darien, who had been lying about the whole Ryan thing to get his dear curtains. 

"What?" he asked them. "What's that? You think I'm much cuter than Ryan Stiles? Oh, thank you!" 

Then: "What?! You want to... you think we're ready? That's a big step in our relationship... well, okay." They rushed off to the bedroom. 

The Moonlight Knight, who had bene hiding in the pantry, heaved a sigh of relief. "Thank God Darien said HE was Ryan Stiles so I didn't have to reveal that I was actually me. I mean, that me was actually I. Wait, umm... I'M Ryan Stiles!" he said. "It would have made much more sense if he had said he was Clive Anderson." And laughter was heard as if they were in the Channel Four studio. 

Just then, Darien ran out of the apartment screaming "Apricots!" for no apparent reason and ran down to where his bus was parked. He drove away. 

Lita was at the grocery store picking up some tofu when Darien drove up and ran in. 

"Apricots! I need apricots! Now!" Darien screamed as he ran amok through the store. 

"Darien!" Lita yelled. "What do you need apricots for?" 

"My curtains and I are looking for the perfect trail mix recipe and we just got done with the coconut and we need apricots." 

"Oh. I thought you guys had... a *different* sort of relationship..." 

"Did you think we played chess?! No, not at all! And we have yet to have cappuccino together! We're not kinky!" 

"Well, that's not what *I* heard!" 

"And who have you been talking to? Not that silly Moonlight Knight again, I hope." 

"No... let's just say I'm quite popular with certain textile products." 

"So you're the spy my curtains keep telling me about." 

"Actually, I was just making stuff up. I have nothing worthwhile to say but I figure that if Clive Anderson can get mentioned so can I." And she ran off. 

Flaminia et Marius sunt in cubiculo. Sunt laetissimi. Flamini Mario cupit, et Marius Flaminiam cupit. In cubiculo- 

"Okay, stop with the suggestive Latin story!" shouted Darien. "Geez, my curtains and I aren't nearly that bad!" Frustrated, he went home with his apricots. 

"How come I haven't gotten to do anything?" asked Nephrite. "Last you readers saw me, I was eating a sandwich in Anthracite Coal Land. Well, I'm back now!" Nephrite was, in fact, going to Molly's house. Unfortunately, he knew he wasn't going to be allowed inside. He'd heard Jadeite had faced a similar problem. "I'll go see how he did it!" Nephrite said, smiling. 

Jadeite was wandering the streets looking for... something when Nephrite came up to him. 

"How'd you do it?" Nephrite asked. 

"Um... very... carefully?" Jadeite asked cautiously. 

"Really?! Thansk!" Nephrite said and ran off. 

He returned a few seconds later. "Could you be more specific?" he asked Jadeite, who shook his head, looking confused. "How'd you get into Rei's temple?!" Nephrite asked. 

"Oh." Jadeite blushed. "Um... go ask Zoisite for help." 

Nephrite went to Kunzite and Zoisite's house. "Zoisite, how did Jadeite get to see Rei?" Nephrite asked. 

"Um... come here and I'll tell you," Zoisite said and whispered into Nephrite's ear. Nephrite turned bright red and got embarassed. 

"He... did that?! Um... I REALLY wanna see Molly but... well, do you think I have the legs for it?" 

"Well, Kunzite wears long skirts sometimes when we go out so it doens't really matter." 

"I don't know... do you have any other suggestions?" 

"Well, you could appear in her room late at night and make her sheets disappear and... whatever else is necessary." 

"You're right... nah, I think I'll go for the dress. But who shall I say I am?" Nephrite asked and walked over to Kunzite's closet. 

Zoisite joined him and started picking up random items of clothing and holding them up against Nephrite. "Well, her teacher Ms. Haruna has the same hair... with the right padding and makeup you could almost pass." 

They finally decided on a nice lime green dress that resembled Ms. Haruna's dress (Zoisite said he found it at a garage sale and liked it because it brought out the green in his eyes.) 

Nephrite drove himself over to Molly's house, walked up to the door, and rang the doorbell. Molly answered it. "Ms. Haruna?!" 

"Um.. er... no, Molly, it's me..." Nephrite said, turning bright red. 

"Nephrite?! Wow... um... no one's home... we can... play chess if you like..." 

"Oh... that would be... nice..." Nephrite said and went inside and slammed the door. 

A half hour later, Molly was beating Nephrite miserably. He groaned as she made a final move and said, "Checkmate!" 

"Okay, how about if we DON'T play chess?" she suggested. 

So they spent the afternoon playing Mouse Trap and the classic, Guess Who. 

Meanwhile, Darien was eating a jelly donut. He likes jelly donuts. That,and there was nothing else to eat but jelly donuts. Actually, Darien was experiencing a jelly donut illusion: everything he ate tasted like jelly donuts. Poor Darien. 

In another time, another place, weird things were going on. Weird things so weird that I can't tell anyone what they are. So let's just forget it. Back to the two "not playing chess".... 

Nephrite stared at the letters. They seemed like a mishmash; there couldn't be any words in there! Molly, however, was writing furiously. "Time's up," she said, looking at the hourglass and smiling. 

Nephrite groaned as she began reading off her words. "Candelabra, punctual, lighthouse..." Nephrite glanced down to see the word "and", looking very lonely, written on his paper. 

Suddenly Darien burst in. "AHH! Jelly donuts! THEY'RE EVERYWHERE!" Molly and Nephrite watched as he ran screaming around the house. 

"There are no jelly donuts here," Molly said. "I'm sure of it." 

Darien froze. "Really? Never mind then. I- oh, hello." He had just caught sight of Molly's curtains. "What're fine draperies like you doing in a place like this?" 

"What's THAT supposed to mean?" Molly asked.Darien ignored her, however, and continued admiring the drapes. 

"You have such delicate seams... such rich colors..." Tears sprung to his eyes. "You're so beautiful... I don't deserve you!" Nephrite gave him a strange look as he threw himself on the couch next to him. 

"Uh, Molly, should we call the police or something?" Nephrite asked. 

"Nah, he's harmless. We'll just go to another room and lock him out." And they did. 

While Nephrite and Molly were in the other room, they found Molly's lost Clue game. 

"Oh, Nephrite, can we *please* play? I've been looking for this for so long and no one else would play with me," Molly whined. 

"All right, Molly. But I get to be Mrs. White. I really liked her in the movie..." and Nephrite trailed off, deep in thought. 

Just then, the door swung open and Tuxedo Mask strode in. "You all will be assimilated," Tux said in a really bad Arnold Schwartzeneggar impression. He reached into his back pocket and pulled out a photon torpedo. 

Nephrite and Molly looked at each other. "Uh," Nephrite said. "You can't just *throw* the torpedo. It has to be launched." 

"Oh yeah?! Well, launch this!" And Tux heaved the torpedo at Nephrite only to have it disappear. "Damn!" Tux exclaimed and walked out of the room. 

"Molly?" Nephrite asked. "Was that Tuxedo Mask or just Darien wearing your curtains?" 

Molly sighed and slapped her forehead. "He better pay for those, if he takes them," she muttered. 

Suddenly they heard music playing. Molly crept down the hallway, and discerned that the song was 'Wonderful Tonight' by Eric Clapton. Peeking around a corner, she caught sight of Darien... dancing with the curtains. They were draped over one shoulder and he was hugging them close and singing softly. 

"Man," Molly muttered. "He is SCARY!" 

Meanwhile, Jadeite was busy trying to get a Coke from the Negaverse pop machine. It wouldn't accept his dollar. In and out the dollar went. 

"Dammit! Why the hell won't this work?!" Jadeite scowled at the "insert dollar here" arrows and realised he'd been inserting it upside down. 

"Oh," he said, and got a cherry Coke. 

"JADEITE!" Beryl yelled. "Come here right now!" 

Jadeite jumped and quickly teleported to "the throne room". Beryl was, as usual, waving her hands around her crystal ball for no apparent reason other than boredom. 

"Jadeite! I need to ask a favor of you." 

"Yes, your grace?" Jadeite said, hoping she wouldn't pick up on the sarcasm. 

She didn't. "I need you to get me a package of Mallo Cups." 

"Mallo cups?" Jadeite said. What he thought was "Where the HELL am I going to find Mallo cups?! Bloody hell! Why couldn't she have wanted a Milky Way bar? Oh boy!" 

"Yes, Mallo cups. And I don't want you back until you find them." 

So Jadeite left. 

After searching for five straight hours, Jadeite went to Rei's temple. (Her grandpa still hadn't returned from wherever he'd been kicked to, so it was safe.) 

"Rei?" he asked. "Do you think you could help me find some Mallo Cups? Queen Beryl is craving chocolatey marshmallow goodness, and if I can't find her any she WON'T be happy." 

"Okay, well, I have an idea." Rei knelt before the fire. "Oh, sacred fire, I beseech you! Where can I find Jadeite some mallo cups?" 

Nothing happened. 

"Um, Rei? That's the toaster." 

"I KNOW that, Jadeite!" Rei snapped, stalking over to the REAL sacred fire and repeating her plea. The fire flickered, then showed a hoard of cartons of Mallo Cups hidden under a bed. Then it flickered again to show the rest of the room. 

"That's Nephrite's mansion!" Jadeite exclaimed. "He has a weakness for junk food. Now I just have to figure out how to take them from him." And off Jadeite went to Nephrite's mansion. 

As Jadeite was strolling merrily to Nephrite's house, he stopped in his tracks and froze. "That's it!" Jadeite said. "I know what I can do! And if I pull it off correctly, Nephrite wlil never know!" 

When he got there, Jadeite quietly ran to the back yard and hid behind a bush. He carefully peeked over and looked in the window. Nephrite was watching "Blade Runner" and was just at the part wehre the dove flies away when... 

"Aladdin! I'm in the menagerie!" 

"Jasmine?!" And Nephrite ran out the back, overcome by this sudden character switch, and didn't even see Jadeite who was inconspicuously reading the latest issue of "GQ: General's Quarterly". 

"Yes! It worked!" Jadeite exclaimed and ran inside. 

Jadeite ran into Nephrite's room and dove under the bed. Yes, there they were! "Queen Beryl will be quite jocund," Jadeite mused. He grabbed a carton and started sliding back out from under the bed when... 

"Oh, no." Jadeite sighed. "Just my luck." He was stuck under the bed. After a few minutes of struggling and repeatedly hitting his head, he heard Nephrite enter the house - somewhat confused - and continue watching Blade Runner. Jadeite froze What would he do if Nephrite discovered him? How would he explain himself? He was in an uncomfortable position indeed.... his leg was twisted around the other and they were on his head. How he got into this position, we'll never know, but he was getting one hell of a charlie horse. 

Nephrite had just gotten up and was stretching his arms when he heard a small "squeak". He lowered his arms and looked around curiously. "I wonder what that noise could be," he thought. But he quickly forgot and started pondering the meaning of the dove scene in Blade Runner. 

After a few moments of silence, Jadeite was 99.9% sure that Nephrite wasn't going to come in anytime soon so he carefully crawled out from under the bed. 

"Now what can I do?" Jadeite said. "I've got the Mallo Cups. Hey, I wonder if Kunzite and Zoisite are home. I don't really want to go down to the Negaverse and give these to Queen Beryl myself." So Jadeite crawled out the bedroom window - and fell in a shrubbery. 

"OW!" Jadeite yelled and rubbed his lower back. He got up and started walking to Kunzite and Zoisite's house. 

When Jadeite got to their house, he noticed that there was a chicken on the porch. "What the-?!" he said. 

Just then, Kunzite stepped out on the porch with a glass of lemonade and shooed the chicken inside. 

"Hey, Jadeite! What's up?" Kunzite said cheerfully as he sipped his lemonade. 

"Uh... I just wanted to... er... see if you were home. Well, you are so... I'll be seeing you!" Jadeite said and ran off. Kunzite looked after him with a puzzled look on his face and went back inside. 

"I guess I'll just run these to Beryl myself," Jadeite said. 

Queen Beryl was thrilled as her Mallo Cups arrived just before DS9 started. She now had the perfect snack. She was so grateful she gave Jadeite the next few nights off. 

Darien, in the meantime, faced a dilemma. He loved his old curtains, he really did, but these new drapes were so... exquisite! 

He knew that, as hard as it would be, he'd have to make a decision. One of them would have to be hurt. Unless... 

"Of course!" Darien exclaimed. "Menage a troi!" (Or however the heck you spell it.) Picking up his new-found love, he ran back to his apartment. Nephrite and Molly looked at each other. "What a FREAK!" they said in unison. 

In the meantime, Zoisite was lying on the bed staring dreamily at the ceiling. 

"Beige," he said. "I think I'll paint the ceiling beige." And after that moment of enlightenment, he promptly fell asleep. 

As Zoisite was sleeping, Kunzite was in the other room watching TV. 

"Boy, do I like watching TEE-vee. I really like watching my TEE-vee. Especially when Ryan Stiles is on the TEE-vee," Kunzite said, accenting the "TEE" because any other way would be foreign. 

Part 3!!!! 

Far away in another world - er - in another part of the city, Andrew was surfing the 'net. Although he was mildly annoyed at the complete unoriginality of his symbol, he was having a nice time looking around web pages having to do with Sailor Moon. Although at first he thought they were talking about the female defender of justice, he quickly realized it was actually a tee-VEE show. He wondered why he'd never seen it on tee-VEE before when he found a few (VERY few, unfortunatley) pictures of himself, and realized he was in it. Then Andrew started thinking that if he was in it, the web pages were, too, and they shouldn't exist... But that made his brain hurt so he gave up on it and continued looking around the pages. 

He found a page full of fanfiction for the show and read a few short stories. Most were very well-written, and the characters in them - kings of some evil place - were really cool. 

Then, much to his surprise, he came to one with him in it. He read it quickly and with growing fascination. Then: "What the hell?" He choked on the Coke he'd been drinking and reread it. "Oh, my." 

Andrew finished the story in confusion. "Compromise", by becca-oneechan. What had the author been thinking?! Was this Kunzite really that attractive? Hm, interesting... 

Andrew pulled out the phone book. Yes, there it was: the name, address, and phone number. He could try to get in touch with him - "oh, man, bad word choice," Andrew thought. He wasn't sure if he should do anything, though. He had a girlfriend - more or less - and in the fanfics Kunzite had a boyfriend. Or maybe girlfriend; Andrew wasn't too clear on that. Still... 

After rereading the last few pages, Andrew reached for the phone. 

Just then, the phone rang at Kunzite and Zoisite's house. But Kunzite wasn't home. So Zoisite picked up the phone, not aware of what was going to happen. 

"Umm.... hello. Is Kunzite there?" Andrew asked. 

Zoisite was real curious why a man was calling Kunzite so he said, "This is." 

"Oh," Andrew said, clearly nervous. 'Well, I was reading this story and... um... can I just e-mail this to you and you can tell me what you think?" 

"Uh..." Zoisite said, not sure what to do. "Sure. I'll be waiting. What's your name?" 

"Andrew." 

"Okay, Andrew, I guess I'll hear from you soon. Oh, by the way, what's your phone number?" 

"555-2714." 

"Thanks!" Zoisite said, hanging up and going over to the computer. He tried logging on AOL (or maybe JOL? They're in Japan...) but realized the flaw in his plan: he didn't know Kunzite's password. He'd have to guess. He tried his name, as well as "Zoi-chan", but neither worked, much to his disappointment. Miffed, Zoisite typed in "cape". Sure enough, it worked, and there was the e-mail from Andrew complete with attached file. 

Feeling only the tiniest bit guilty about butting into Kunzite's private business, he began reading. He was barely through the second page when Kunzite burst in, carrying several grocery bags. 

"Honey, I'm home!" he shouted. This statement was followed by a bout of annoying, obviously canned laughter, which ceased abruptly due to one of Kunzite's Purple Boomerang ThingiesÔ. 

"I bought watermelon Jell-o, just like you wanted," Kunzite continued, starting to put the groceries away. 

"That's nice," Zoisite said absent-mindedly. 

"Hey, what're you reading?" he asked, walking over. 

"Nothing!" Zoisite screamed, throwing himself over the screen to cover it. 

"C'mon, I wanna see!" Kunzite said, trying to pry Zoisite's body away. 

Suddenly, Zoisite grabbed Kunzite and kissed him. Really, REALLY kissed him. Kunzite was startled at first, but then put his arms around Zoisite and began kissing back. 

"Whoa!" Kunzite said as he pulled away. "Um... wow! What were we just talking about?" 

"Oh, not much. You walked in, I mentioned how I couldn't go another day without you, I kissed you. Nothing really..." Zoisite said, hoping that the kiss... cleared his memory. 

"Well... I guess.... I'll... put the... groceries away," Kunzite stammered and blushed. "So... uh," Kunzite twirled his hair around his finger and said, "When you're done with that, do you... want to meet me in the bedroom?" 

Zoisite smiled coyly and said, "Of course, love. I'll be there in a few minutes," and he kissed Kunzite again but not quite so deeply. 

Kunzite ran into the bedroom and Zoisite quickly printed out the story, closed the e-mail and deleted the file, and ran into the bedroom after hiding the story in a place where Kunzite wouldn't look. 

Kunzite and Zoisite did not play chess. 

Some time later that evening, Kunzite went into the kitchen for a snack, leaving Zoisite pleasantly asleep in bed. He really wanted some Mallo Cups; unfortunately, the closest thing he could find was a box of Twinkies. He reached into the box - and pulled out a small sheaf of rolled - up papers. (Zoisite didn't think Kunzite liked Twinkies; this was in fact untrue. He just didn't usually indulge himself since he wanted to keep up his boyish (ha) figure.) He was tired and a little cold, since he was wearing only his cape (don't ask me how it was attached), so he decided to put it in his nightstand and read it the following morning. 

The next morning, Serena was sleeping. As she does every morning. But then she woke up. And fell asleep again. The next time she woke up, she found herself in a front yard... in New Zealand. 

"What the bloody hell?" Serena looked around and said. She looked down and realized she was wearing only her pajamas and immediately flopped down on the grass and started bawling. 

Inside the house, someone looked up from their morning coffee and said, "I wonder what that noise is." And the person got up and walked to the front door. Since it was morning and New Zealand, the weather was warm so all the person was wearing was boxers and a t-shirt that was just a little too small for his broad, muscular chest. 

He walked outside and into the warm, sunny morning and spotted a girl sprawled out on his lawn crying her eyes out. He walked over to her and said, "Are you okay?" At that, the girl freaked out. 

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!" 

"Um," the strange, but beautiful man said. "What's you name?" 

"Serena," Serena sobbed. "Where am I? Who are you?" 

"Hello, Serena. You're in New Zealand and this is my front yard. My name is Sam Neill." 

"Oh, well. Um... can I have some ice cream?" 

"I don't know if we have any ice cream. If I give you some, will you go away? I have a nice, dark-haired woman named Lauren coming over and I'm going to ask her to marry me." 

"Wow, okay. I"ll go now. Thank you." And Serena went on her way to find some ice cream leaving Sam Neill to get ready for his day. 

Lauren's "Sam Neill Obsession" story was finally finished, so let us travel back to Tokyo and our would-be love triangle... 

Kunzite had settled down in an armchair with a cup of coffee and the sheaf of papers. Zoisite was still asleep, so he had some peaceful time to read. 

Awhile later... 

"ZOISITE!" He was rudely awakened by that cry, and buried himself under the covers. 

"Get up! Where did you get this story?!" Kunzite shouted, trying to drag Zoisite out of bed. 

His words slowly sank in. "What?!" Zoisite shrieked. "How did you find that!" 

"Never mind! I just want to know where it came from!" 

"Some guy named Andrew e-mailed it to you..." 

"Hm..." Kunzite said thoughtfully. "Is this his number?" Zoisite nodded silently and Kunzite picked up the phone. "555-2714," he murmered as he dialed. 

"Hello?" came a voice on the other end. 

"Hello, is this Andrew? This is Kunzite," said Kunzite. 

"Oh!" Andrew exclaimed. "You sound different." 

Kunzite didn't know what to make of this, so he continued, "What's the meaning of this story?" 

"I was kind of hoping you could tell me," Andrew muttered. 

"Hm. Interesting." He laughed a little. "Zoisite was trying to hide it from me." 

"Zoisite? He's there?" 

"Yeah, why?" 

"Uh, I was gonna invite you to dinner tonight, but..." 

Kunzite's eyes widened. He was very interested in meeting this man, but what about Zoisite? 

Luckily, at that moment Kunzite realised that not even cheap, meaningless sex could destroy his relationship with Zoisite so he told Andrew, "I'd like to keep it just a story, thank you. Goodbye." And Kunzite hung up the phone, kissed Zoisite, and went to bed. 

Meanwhile, back to New Zealnd and Serena's quest for the Holy Gr-... er, her quest for the nearest ice cream store. 

"That was really nice of that Sam Neill guy to tell me where I was," Serena said. "His girlfriend Lauren is really lucky." 

As Serena was walking into town, she spotted Rei. "Rei?! What are you doing here?!" 

"Well," Rei said, "I woke up this morning in someone's front yard. And I'm still in my pajamas." 

"Wow, that's the same thing that happened to me. I wonder if Ami, Lita, and Mina are here? That would be really weird. Very likely considering this is a fictional world and if that DIDN'T happen it would be weird." 

"Um... here they come now." 

None of them had any idea how they'd gotten there. As they stood around argueing what to do next, the story moved back to Tokyo. 

Jadeite was sitting around wondering where Rei had gone when the phone rang. 

"Is this Jadeite, one of the four kings of the Dark Kingdom?" 

"Uh, yeah, why?" 

"Ummm.... my name is Andre and I know I sound pathetic but my girlfriend left to study bugs, and Kunzite wouldn't even go out with me, and I just feel so worthless right now..." Andrew sounded like he was about to cry. It made Jadeite's heart melt. "I was wondering if I could see you..." 

"Well, I could meet you for dinner tonight," Jadeite offered. 

"Really? You mean it? I mean I know this is sort of out of the blue and everything..." 

"It's okay, I understand." See, Jadeite was a very nice guy and figured he'd at least see what Andrew was like before judging him. They decided that Jadeite would pick Andrew up at six, and hung up. 

While all that was going on, Sam Neill and his beautiful girlfriend Lauren got married. And there was much rejoicing. 

Part Four!!! 

Back in Tokyo, Jadeite was driving to Andrew's house. "If this Andrew is my type, maybe we can start something," Jadeite thought. 

As he pulled in to Andrew's driveway, Andrew was busy trying to find the right shirt to wear. He finally chose a blue one and had just enough time to slip it on as the doorbell rang. Andrew ran downstairs and threw open the door. 

"Are you Andrew?" Jadeite asked. 

"Jadeite!" Andrew cried and threw his arms around Jadeite. "I'm so happy you understand!" And they left for dinner. 

Meanwhile, back in New Zealand, Serena, Rei, Ami, Lita, and Mina were standing on a street corner, still arguing. 

"Well, it wasn't me!" Rei cried. "I was SLEEPING for Pete's sake! And the next thing I know, *poof*! I'm in New Zealand!" 

"I think we should try to pinpoint the exact time," Ami said, "That we all app-" 

"SHUT UP AMI!!!" The rest of the scouts chorused in that obnoxious way they do every now and then. Ignoring them, Ami pulled out her computer and began typing. 

"From the looks of things, the hydrolic pressure in the chryonosphere has been severely lowered, thereby altering the ion radiation in the-" 

"Shut UP!" the others yelled, even louder than before. 

"I still don't have my ice cream," Serena whined. 

Then, there was a strange, melodious sound, gradually taking form of the song "London Bridge". 

"Is that what I think it is?" Mina whispered. 

The source of the song came into view. "Ice cream truck!" they screeched, rushing toward it. 

"Of course! Girls should not be made to wander around New Zealand in their pajamas with no ice cream!" shouted Tuxedo Mask, the driver of the truck. (Upon closer inspection, it could be noted that both sets of curtains were in the passanger seat.) 

Back in Tokyo... 

Andrew and Jadeite were having a very nice dinner in an incredibly fancy restaurant. Andrew told Jadeite all about the weird story he'd found online, and how he'd failed to get a date with Kunzite. Jadeite felt bad - Andrew seemed so lonely. "Even if we don't really have a relationship, maybe I can be his friend," he thought to himself. 

Dinner was not very talkative, since Andrew an Jadeite spend most of the time admiring each other's cuteness in the candlelight. Suddenly Jadeite got up and asked the violinist to play a request. (You know how (on TV at least) really fancy restaurants have musicians that go from table to table?) 

"What's your favorite song?" he asked Andrew. 

"Um... 'Harvey the Wonder Hamster'". 

"Really?" Jadeite exclaimed. "That's MY favorite song!" 

Their eyes met and they remained staring dreamily at each other throughout the entire 15-second song. 

Later that night... 

Andrew and Jadeite were curled up in front of a blazing fire at Jadeite's house. After the wonderful evening they had, nothing could be better than the warmth and love that filled the room. As soon as they had finished dinner, Jadeite suggested going back to his house to talk. They sat down beside the fire, and after a few hours, fell asleep in each other's arms. (That sounds SOOO corny! -Lauren) 

Back in New Zealand... 

Tux had just gotten out of the truck and was bombarded by the five scouts. 

"ICE CREAM!!!!!!!!!!!" they all shouted. 

"Cool your cat!" Tux told them. The scouts stared blankly at each other for a moment, then went back to begging for ice cream. 

They sat around with Popsicles, wondering what to do next. "Hey, Tux, can you get us home?" Serena asked him. 

"Huh? Why would I be able to do that?" he asked. 

"Well, how'd YOU get here?" Rei asked in exhasperation. 

"You won't believe this, but I just woke up sitting in an ice cream truck in New Zealand for no apparent reason. Weird, huh?" 

They groaned. "So we have no way of getting back?" Serena whined. "Someone has to be able to do SOMETHING!" 

"I could help!" offered Trelane. "But, since you were so mean to me in the past, I don't think I will." And he vanished. 

From somewhere up in the sky, a droning noise was heard. The noise got closer, and closer, and closer and closer still before Rei looked up. 

"Look! If you look closely, you can see a speck." All of the scouts looked up and gasped. Tux had somehow disappeared. 

The speck got biger and the noice got louder. Ami determined that the noise was just the right pitch to possibly be someone screaming "AAAA!" as they were falling from a high point and, from the sound of it, spinning upside down at the same time. 

Finally, the speck became a person and he crashed into the ground which abruptly ended his screaming. 

"Who the hell is that?" Tux said as he magically appeared. 

A man about 6 feet tall stood up and brushed himself off. He looked at all of them and said, "My name is Ryan Stiles. Some of you may remember me from such TEE-vee shows as 'Whose Line Is It Anyway?' and 'Drew Carey'. I'm here to take you back to the wonderful Anthracite Coal Land." 

"NOOOOOOOOO!" the scouts and Tux screamed, but it was too late: Ruan had transported them all to Anthracite Coal Land where you can get great coffee for $1.00. 

Since they were there, they figured they might as well get some coffee, so they trooped into the nearest coffee shop to see Jadeite and Andrew calmy sipping cappuccino and making small talk. 

"Jadeite!" Rei shouted joyously, running over to hug him. He looked quite surprised to see her. The rest of the Scouts (and Darien) greeted Jadeite and Andrew, and Ryan Stiles remarked, "I didn't know you two were friends." 

"Uh, we just met," Andrew murmured, reddening slightly. 

"So what're you doing here?" Rei asked from her position in Jadeite's lap. 

He was saved from answering by a loud CLANG. 

Everyone turned quickly to see what the obnoxious sound had been. 

"Would you like some coffee?" asked the Mysterious Figure who had been responsible for the sound. 

"Rezo?!" everyone gasped in unison, even Jadeite and Andrew, who already knew he was there. 

"Don't act so surprised," Rezo said. "Didn't you see the name of this place?" They hadn't, so looked around until they discovered a sign: The Red Priest's Coffee House of Anthracite Coal Land, and undearneath, in smaller letters, Great Coffee For a Buck. 

"Well, it's great that you're running a nice place like this, but you can't be in this story. It's not allowed," Ami explained. 

He caught her eye and held it for a long moment. When she finally dropped her gaze, he asked, "What were you saying?" 

"Uhhhh..." Ami could think of nothing but Rezo's lovely purple eyes. "Never mind." 

"Now wait just a darned minute!" yelled Lita. "He CAN'T be in here! He doesn't even have a symbol!" 

"Then give me one," said Rezo. "I can be a red square." 

"No, you can't," Jadeite pointed out. "This isn't written in color." 

"Oh, darn. Well, I'm sure I can find something." 

"Look," said Rei, "If you don't leave us alone I'll poke out those precious eyes of yours." She held up a spoon menacingly. 

Rezo studied her, decided she wasn't kidding, and disappeared back into the depths of the coffee shop, staff clanging obnoxiously. He was never seen again... for a while anyway. 

"Well, that was a complete waste of valuable coffee-sipping time," Ryan Stiles said. "Let the adventure of the Ryan Stiles scouts continue. We battle against mean weirdos who want the world full of injustice, wars, hate, famine, and Necco wafers! I HATE those things! I mean famine is nothing but have you ever HAD Necco wafers? They're disgusting! Eating those is almost as bad as turning beavers into gold! SHEESH!" 

The scouts all looked at each other in puzzlement as Ryan finished his soliloquey. Ryan lectured on. 

"-and that's precisely what would happen to you if you got hit by a plane." Ryan looked aorund at the confused looks of the scouts, Jadeite, Andrew, Darien and several nondescript extras in the background. The silence was so great that you could hear crickets in the background. "Uh.... does anyone wanna play 'Scenes from a Hat'?" 

"DO WE?" chorused Andrew, Jadeite, and Darien. So the four of them ran off to play 'Scenes from a Hat' with Clive Anderson presiding. 

The Scouts (with Rezo discreetly in the back) composed the studio audience. They were enjoying it very much until... 

Jadeite and Andrew were supposed to be doing a love scene in a garbage dump, but words had failed them and they'd ended up staring into each other's eyes. As they leaned closer to each other, looking quite ready to kiss, the Scouts sat staring in shock. Rei broke the silence by jumping to her feet and screaming, "What the hell are you doing?" 

Surprised, Jadeite pulled away and looked at her. She seemed about ready to explode, especially since there were flames coming out the top of her head. (This is anime, after all.) Andrew sort of cowered behind Jadeite as Rei tried leapingover the seats to them. Unfortunately, she tripped and ended up sprawled on her face. Although Clive Anderson thought this tremendously funny and she ended up winning the game, she was much too pissed off to read the credits. 

"Jadeite! What the hell is going on? I thought we were together!" Rei cried and started to sob. 

"I'm sorry, Rei, but... I... just don't-" 

"You don't WHAT?! oh, if you don't stop I'm gonna send you somewhere... somewhere evil!" Rei cried and started to transform. 

"Oh, sh-" Jadeite shouted but was abruptly cut off as Sailor Mars blasted him into... Mathmagic Land. Yes, Mathmagic Land. 

"Ha! Thatll teach the bas-" Rei said as she transformed back again. 

"Rei!" everyone screamed. 

"What?" Rei said and turned around so everyone could see the flames in her eyes. 

"Uh... never mind," they all said. 

'That's what I thought!" 

Just then, Ryan Stiles appeared from backstage. "I think we should leave now." 

As they were leaving, no one noticed Andrew sitting in the corner. His eyes were narrowed and he said very quietly, "I will get revenge on Rei for sending my Jadeite away. And for making me miss my fifteen minutes of fame. I WILL get her back." And he laughed maniacally and couldn't stop so the men in white came to take him away. 

"Well... that was fun," Serena remarked. "Where should we go next?" 

"You know, I'm kinda hungry. I could go for a burger," Ryan stiles said, completely oblivious to everyone's mood. 

"GO AWAY RYAN STILES!" everyone screamed. 

"Fine! I will! I have to go to work anyway. I work at Death Co. It's very fun. We get to play with Death," Ryan said and left. 

While Andrew was struggling with the men in white, there were several loud clangs, followed by thuds, and the two guys holding him dropped into unconsciousness. he turned to see Rezo, holding his staff in front of him and making sure the guys were out for good. 

"Rezo!" Andrew said, his eyes getting really big and shiny. 

"Here," Rezo said, handing him a golden triangle. "This will transport you to and from Mathmagic Land. I wish you luck." 

"Thank you," Andrew said as he teleported away. 

He appeared in a world of strangely shaped trees and creepy-looking creatures made from geometric figures. Luckily, there was also a distinct set of footprints in the purplish soil. Andrew set out after them, jaw clenched in determination. 

He noticed nothing, his focus entirely on those footprints. He could only pray that Jadeite would be all right when he found him... 

Suddenly Andrew noticed several spots of what looked like blood. "Oh no," Andrew whispered, breaking into a run. He suddenly came to a darkened area containing only a billiard table, but he barely noticed this oddity, for sitting with his back against the table was Jadeite. Andrew hurried over to him, and saw tht he was bleeding from a long cut on his hand and another on his leg. 

"Andrew," Jadeite said weakly. "You came for me..." 

"Of course I did," Andrew replied, taking the Golden Triangle from his pocket. "What happened to you?" 

"I tried petting a weird triangular creature. Not a good idea..." 

"Well, I'm here now. I'll get you to a hospital and everything will be okay." Andrew gently lifted Jadeite in his arms and transported them both out of Mathmagic Land. 

In another place with no relevance yet whatsoever, a dark figure was leaping from rooftop to rooftop. The long black cape billowed out behind him as he ran across the roof of the Waynetech Corp. building. He stopped, abruptly, and stood still for what felt like eons. 

"Damn! Forgot the chicken soup!" Batman said. "Ah well, I did bring Mall-cups." Batman took out his batarang and leaped up to the next building. 

Meanwhile, Nephrite was wondering what shoes to wear. "Should I wear THOSE black boots or THOSE black boots?" Molly walked in to help him decide. 

"I think you should wear the black boots, Nephrite. They bring out the grey in the suit." 

"Thanks, Molly." 

Back in Gotham City... 

"I've... got... to... keep... going," Batman panted. 

Batman was still running until he came to a big, floating door. He pushed a big button and the door opened to reveal a purple portal. 

"I call upon the power of Gre- Oh, um... wrong show. I call upon... bloody hell! I'm Batman, let me in!" 

"Hello, Dave," said the portal. 

"For the last time: MY NAME'S NOT DAVE!!!!" Batman screamed as he ran through the portal. 

After one big trippy segment, Batman came out on the other side. All the running he did made his feet really hurt, and since he had no arch support, he fell down on his hands and knees. When he looked up, he saw Kunzite standing there. 

"Uhhh..." said Kunzite. "Who are you and how'd you get into my house?" 

"Never mind," said Batman, and he calmly left. 

At the hospital... 

"Remind me never to pet pointy creatures ever again," Jadeite murmured as he limped down the hallway, with Andrew's help. 

"Okay. I'm just glad you're all right. You recovered pretty quickly," Andrew said as he helped Jadeite into the passanger seat of the car. 

"I didn't know if you'd come for me. I wasn't sure how much you cared..." Jadeite murmured as Andrew started the engine. 

"I had to, Jadeite..." Andrew sighed. "You've come to mean a lot to me in these past few days." 

"You have, too." Jadeite sighed. "I just don't know what to do about Rei..." 

"We could kill her!" Andrew said, eyes brightening. 

Jadeite patted his leg. "I think that's going a bit too far, love." 

"True, but..." His eyes widened. "You called me... 'love'?" 

"Why? Do you have a problem with it?" 

"Not at all," Andrew said with a grin, all thoughts of death forgotten. 

A bit later they were in the kitchen of Jadeite's house. He sat at the table while Andrew made coffee. "Your house is so big! And a lot cleaner than my apartment..." 

Jadeite sighed. "It's TOO big. Maybe it's itme I had someone to share it with..." 

Andrew blushed and focused on the coffee. 

At the nearby temple... 

"How could he?!" Rei screamed, pounding a hole in the wall. "I'm gone to New Zealand for a couple of days and he goes and cheats on me!" 

"You don't know that," pointed out Ami, logical as always. "You saw them together and made an assumption. Besides, maybe he just decided that you were still too young..." 

"TOO YOUNG?! I'll show him!" 

"No, you won't," pointed out Mina, who was put into this scene just to bug Lauren. "You blasted him into Mathmagic Land, remember?" 

"Oh yeah." Rei sighed. "I forgot." 

"Oh, he's out now," said Rezo, showing up from nowhere. "He just got home a little while ago. You can go see him if you'd like." 

"Would I!" yelled Rei, and she, Lita, Ami, and Mina ran to Jadeite's house. 

"Ah, at last I go tthem out of here!" said Rezo. "My plans can be completed!" He pulled a long, pointed stick from his robes... and stuck a hot dog on it. He then proceeded to cook it over the Sacred Fire. 

And where is Serena during all of this, you ask... Oh, wait, you don't? Okay, never mind then. 

Back at Kunzite's house... 

Kunzite shut the door as Batman left. "Zoisite! Did you call Batman over again? I really wish you'd consult me before doing that. I mean, I understand the fact that you've known each other for a long time, but it doesn't mean he can come over whenever you want him to. Especially when he doesn't bring any chicken soup." Kunzite walked into the kitchen and looked for graham crackers. He couldn't find any. 

"Zoisite, dear, do you mind a trip to Jadeite's house? I really need to borrow some graham crackers." 

"Sure," said Zoisite, and they left. 

And so, a short time later, two Kings and four Scouts appeared on Jadeite's doorstep. He was asleep at the moment, so Andrew answered the door. 

"You slimeball! Give me my boyfriend back!" Rei screamed at him. 

"Uh? YOUR boyfriend?" Andrew, as you may or may not know, hadn't been aware of Rei's relationship with Jadeite until she had gotten mad. 

The Scouts pushed past him into the house. 

"Where's Jadeite? I have to talk to him!" Rei shouted. "Tell me or I'll kill you!" 

"He's sleeping... he just got back from the hospital... got hurt in Mathmagic Land." Andrew tried in vain to keep her quiet. 

Suddenly there came a shout from the doorway. "Hey, Jadeite!" Zoisite yelled. "We just dropped by!" 

Andrew ran off to tell him to quiet down, and Rei ran off to find Jadeite. 

Rei looked in every single room until she found Jadeite. He was laying on a really comfortable bed and there was a fire going in the fireplace. Jadeite was obviously asleep. Rei went over to the fire and started to chant. "Oh, fire of Jadeite's bedroom, I will you to help me out in aboloshing this attraction Jadeite has for Andrew because I miss him." 

"I'm afraid I can't do that, Rei," the fire said. 

"Well, why the hell not?! Can't you just... shake him up a little?" 

"I suppose I can put fish in his underwear. Will that suffice?" 

Rei didn't say anything for a while. "I guess... but make the fish... halibut. He hates halibut." And she laughed evilly and left the room. 

When Jadeite woke up, he felt something cold in his pants. "I smell... fish," Jadeite said. He looked down and saw that six halibuts had somehow gotten inside his briefs and were chafing him. "I HATE HALIBUT!" Jadeite screamed as the sun rose. He wanted to get rid of them, but that would mean... HOLDING them. "Andrew!" he screamed. "HELP ME!" 

Andrew came running into the room, worry clearly showing on his face. "What is it, Jadeite?" 

"GET THESE @*#*! FISH OUT OF MY UNDERWEAR!" 

"Um... are you sure you want me to... uh..." 

"Please... they're cold and slimy..." Jadeite pleaded. 

Trying desperately not to peek, Andrew reached into Jadeite's pants and pulled out all the halibut, one after another. He tossed them into the trash can and went to wash his hands. When he came back, Jadeite was looking at him in adoration. "First you saved me from Mathmagic Land, now this. How can I ever repay you?" He threw his arms around Andrew's waist. He was blushing furiously. 

"Well..." Andrew said, tilting Jadeite's chin so they could gaze deeply into each other's eyes. He very slowly leaned forward, and just as their lips were about to meet... 

"Hey, Jadeite!" Kunzite shouted, banging on the door. "Dont' you have any graham crackers in this whole house?" 

"Aw, damn," Andrew muttered as Jadeite went to the door. 

Jadeite eyed Kunzite ad Zoisite. "You think you have the right to come barging into my house begging for food when I'm trying to have some quiet time with Andrew? 

"Yup," said Zoisite. 

"In the cupboard above the stove," Jadeite sighed. "Now get out of here!" He slammed the door and locked it. "Now, where were we?" 

"Right about here," Andrew replied, leaning forward again. 

"Hey Jadeite! Can we have some marshmellows too?" Kunzite shouted. 

"YES!" Jadeite and Andrew yelled at once. Then, before they could get interrupted again, they kissed deeply. 

Part Five!!! 

They finally pulled out of it 15 minutes later. "Wow," Andrew said as he tried to get his eyes back in focus. "That was... incredible." 

Jadeite just nodded. "Rei... NEVER kissed like that," he said after a long pause. 

"Hey, Jadeite, I have an idea. Since you're hurt and everything, let me wait on you tonight. I'll do whatever you want..." 

"Wow, how romantic..." said Jadeite. He limped downstairs and settled down as Andrew hurried to the kitchen to make dinner. 

Kunzite and Zoisite were sitting on the counter eating Smores, and he was forced to kick them out. Zoisite pouted, but consented, and Kunzite wished Andrew luck, the words accompanied by a meaningful wink. 

"So... anything I want, eh?" Jadeite said coyly. Andrew giggled and nodded. "I want you... to get me a McChicken sandwich and a small fry." 

"That wasn't exactly what I had in mind..." Andrew thought. 

"And a strawberry shake! Get me a strawberry shake!" 

"Oh boy!" Andrew said in his head. 

"And I want them now. Go get me some!" 

"Where am I supposed to get money!" Andrew screamed. 

"I don't know! Use your own money! I'm gonna turn around and when I turn back, you better be gone," Jadeite said and turned around. 

Andrew obediantly rushed from the house. 

Jadeite laughed evilly. "Now, to get to work..." 

When Andrew returned awhile later, h found Jadeite in the bedroom surrounded by candles with his Chant CD playing softly. What happened next really isn't anyone else's business, so we'll move on... 

The evening was cold and rainy as Serena hurried home from the arcade. (Needless to say, she hand't seen Andrew there.) Suddenly, she tripped on something and fell flat on her face. Picking herself up, Serena saw the object she'd tripped over was a large backpack. She lifted it out of curiosity when she saw the pig. It was an unbelievably cute black piglet wearing a yellow bandana around its neck, and it looked cold, wet, and miserable. 

"Aw, you poor thing," Serena said, picking the pig up and putting him in her pocket. "I'll take you home with me where you'll be safe." 

"Kwee!" said the pig. 

A short time later he was in Serena's room, wrapped in blankets and happily eating some oatmeal. 

"Oh, you're so adorable," cooed Serena. "I need to give you a name, if you're going to be my pet. How about... Bob?" The pig stopped eating to glare at her. "Okay, okay, not Bob. Something that goes with 'Luna'?" 

Hearing her name, Luna poked her head into the room. "Serena, where did you get that pig?" she asked, walking in. The pig's eyes went wide and he dove under the blankets. 

"Found him on the street. He's going to be my pet now. I suppose I'll have to get him neutered-" 

"KWEE!" He continued to cower under the blanket 

"Serena, something's strange about that pig..." Luna murmered. "I get the feeling he can understand us." 

"Well, of course he can, he's a SMART little piggy!" said Serena in an annoying, cute voice. "Would you like some more oatmeal?" 

"Kwee!" 

Serena ran downstairs and hurried back with a kettle of hot water. As she entered the room, she (predictably) stumbled. Hot water splashed across the room. 

Serena's scream was cut off by a hand over her mouth. 

"Quiet," he whispered. "If your dad found me here, like this..." 

She pushed him away. "Ryouga?" 

"Uh, yeah..." He laughed nervously. (I love that laugh!) 

"Geez, you're REALLY lost this time! You're not even on the right show. This is a Sailor Moon fanfic!" 

Ryouga shrugged, nearly losing his grip on the blanket he'd wrapped around his waist. "Well... consider this a cameo appearance." 

Serena rolled her eyes. "Okay, okay. Now get some clothes on and we'll try to get you back to Ranma ½." 

"Why is the show named after him anyway?" A weird, dreamy look cam over Ryouga's face. "It should be named after Akane..." 

Serena was about ready to punch him, but Luna poured cold water on his head and she couldn't bring herself to hurt the adorable little pig. 

"Grrr..." Serens stuck her tongue out at P-chan, so he stuck his out at her too. (Kawaii!) "Get some sleep. We're getting you back to Nerima tomorrow." 

"Kwee," he agreed, curling up in the blankets and going to sleep. 

In the meantime, Ami was having some problems of her own: her calculator wouldn't work and she had a chemistry problem to do. For fun of course; she had finished all of her other homework while everything else was going on. "I bet that someone stole the batteries. They probably knew I was going to do my homework so they took them." Just then Rei came in. "What are you talking about?" 

"Nothing," Ami said. 

"Yes, I think you were talking about something. And I think it had something to do with me but I don't know what I'm doing here in the first place so I think I will leave while the Supreme Being Lauren has a drink," and she left. 

Ami decided to go to sleep and look for batteries later. So, the next morning, she went to ask Serena to help her. 

When Ami arrived, Serena was leaving the house with a little black piglet on a leash, and struggling with a really big backpack. 

"Oh, hi, Ami," she said. "I was just leaving to get Ryouga back to the right show. Wanna come?" 

"Sure. But why don't you turn him back into a human so he can carry that backpack?" 

Serena rolled her eyes. "I'm GOING to once we get away from the house. My dad would panic if he saw me in the house with him." 

"Ah. Good point." 

So, they walked a few blocks, then shoved Ryouga into a bush with his clothing and dumped a thermos of hot water over him. 

He emerged moments later, looking embarrased. "Serena, can you please take this leash off me?" he pleaded. 

"No!" she yelled. "I'm not letting you wander off on me!" 

Grumbling, he let himself be lead away. A short time later, they stood in front of Furinkan High. 

"Well, here you are," said Serena, taking the collar and leash from Ryouga. "Just sit around and wait for Akane or something." 

"Okay," he said obediantly. He naturally had no arguments with seeing Akane. 

"Hey, Serena," said Ami as they walked away. "How come we haven't gone to school in this whole story?" 

"Hm, good question. Well, it's not our problem. If we get in trouble we'll blame the authors." 

"Good idea." 

In another part of Tokyo... 

"Good morning! i hope you like omelettes!" Jadeite said cheerily as Andrew entered the kitchen. 

"If you're making them, I'm sure they'll be wonderful," he replied, giving Jadeite a sweet smile. 

"Did someone mention food?!" Zoisite exclaimed, running into the room. 

"ACK!" said Jadeite and Andrew, clearly startled. 

"Butt out, this is MY house and you're an unwelcome visitor," Jadeite hissed, waving a bread knife. He somehow managed to make it look threatening, and Zoisite backed away... 

...right into Kunzite's arms. "Com on, darling," he said. "I'll make omelettes if you really want some." 

"That's sweet of you, dear, but we both know you can't cook." 

"Excuse me, but would you please leave? This IS Jadeite's house, you know," Andrew said. "C'mon, Kunzite, and... uh... what was your name again?" Andrew frowned. "Catamite? Was that it?" 

"Catamite?" Kunzite fell over, laughing hysterically. Jadeite did the same. 

"What?" Zoisite asked. "What's so funny?" 

The other three just laughed. 

"I'll... I'll tell you when we get home, dear," said Kunzite, putting his arms around Zoisite and teleporting away. 

Once they were back home, Kunzite fell onto the couch, still laughing. 

"What?!" Zoisite was getting annoyed. "What does 'catamite' mean, anyway?" Kunzite, still laughing, handed him a dictionary. "Hmm/// let me see... ah! 'Catamite'.... it means WHAT?!" He threw down the dictionary and stared at the still-snickering Kunzite. Zoisite pouted. "But our relationship isn't like that at all..." 

"I know, dear. Do'nt worry about it. It's a joke." Sniffling, Zoisite curled up in Kunzite's arms. "Plus, I'm not THAT much older than you..." Kunzite trailed off. 

"Kunzite! Although the idea entertains me a bit as well, I don't want to think about it! Our relationship is based on years of respect, trust, and love! If you honestly feel that way, maybe I'll leave," Zoisite said and turned his back on Kunzite. 

Kunzite was stunned. "That's not what I meant! I just... well, I... we......um, I love you," he said cautiously. 

Zoisite's eyes opened wide and got real watery and shiny for a few minutes."Oh, Kunzite, I love you too!" And he flung himself into Kunzite's arms. All was forgiven. 

(Insert brief pause while author tries to stop gagging) 

Rubeus was hanging around Rezo's place in Anthracite Coal Land, drinking an Espresso and wondering if he would have a place in the story. 

"Man," he complained to Rezo, who was sitting on the counter eating a hot dog, "I'm really getting the shaft. I've just barely been in this story! And I'm a main villain too!" 

"Well," said Rezo, "I'm in here because the author felt sorry for me when I died." 

"I died too!" Rubeus yelled in annoyance. 

"Yes, but she's American. She hasn't seen it yet." 

"Ah." He sighed. "Well, if I get to be friends with a main character, then I can have at least a supporting role-" 

"Actually," said Rezo, "I think your biggest flaw is your hair." 

'What's wrong with my hair?!" he screamed. "And who are you to talk, anyway?" 

They proceeded to get into a long argument about whose hair was better, during which Rubeus was accused of sticking scissors into an electrical outlet and Rezo was yelled at for having hair that constantly changes sizes. Finally, they had both calmed down a bit. 

"I should be the love interest of a main character. Then I can be in the story. Who should I go for?" Rubeus asked. 

"Well, you might be able to draw Darien away from his curtains-" 

"Ew! No way! I'd really prefer a female." 

"Well, all of the Scouts are free at the moment. Take your pick." 

Rubeus was soon lost in consideration. "How about Rei?" Rubeus finally decided. 

"Gee, I dunno. She's too good for you, I think," Rezo said as he calmly nibbled his hot dog. 

"TOO GOOD FOR ME?!" Rubeus yelled as a giant sweatdrop formed. "But, I'm perfect! I mean, look at me: I have a confident walk, my hair is a beautiful shade of red, ditto for my eyes, and look at the way I casually carry my jacket over my shoulder. If anything, I'M too good for anyone." 

"Uh... sure," Rezo said. Then, under his beath he added "If you had MY hair..." 

"I heard that!" 

"How could you?! I said it under my breath!" 

"I also have exceptional hearing. I TOLD you I was perfect!" 

They kept arguing back and forth for many hours. 

In the meantime a small, big eared figure was walking down the street toward Rei's temple. No, it's not Rei's grandpa. It was in fact: Yoda. Yes, Yoda. Who, other htan the fact that he's green and doesn't seem to have ANY sort of libido (thank the gods!) is quite similar to Rei's grandpa. Why Yoda was in Japan we can't say. Nor can we say where this fic is going because there is a big writer's block in the middle of the road. 

As Yoda reached the block, he wondered how it could be broken. Reaching no conclusion, he took his walking stick and..... went to the pole-vaulting contest. 

By now, Rubeus was on his way to visit Rei. He had ditched his usual green-pants-red-shirt combo for a suit that really resembled the Turks' outfit. (Actually, with the hair, he really looked like Reno.) 

Oddly enough, Rei was busy playing FF7 when he arrived. Already upset that Jadeite had dumped her for Andrew, she was allowing the game to really rile her up. "Dammit, Cloud!" she screamed at the TV. "Don't be such a whiny baby!" As Cloud launched into another "let's-get-Sephiroth-'cause-he's-really-evil" speech, Rei finally lost it. She pulled out the controller and threw it out the door. 

"AUGH!" Rubeus had just been approaching Rei's room when something had hit him in the head and knocked him flat on his back. 

Hearing the cry, Rei came bounding out of the room to see Rubeus, in a suit, laying on his back with the directional buttons imprinted right next to the black moon on his forehead. She fought down a snicker and said, "Hey, Rubeus... sorry about that... you okay?" 

"Um, I guess so," Rubeus said, sitting up. "Uh, did I come at a bad time?" 

"Nah. My stupid boyfriend just left me for another man. That insensitive jerk! Grrr..." 

"Oh. Then I guess you, er, wouldn't be ready to date again just yet." Rubeus was very disappointed. 

"I never said that..." Rei said. To herself, she thought, 'I can go out with Rubeus and show Jadeite how happy I am; it'll make him sooo mad he was dumb enough to ditch me..." 

"Really? So, you wannt go out to dinner with me this evening?" 

"Sure." Rei grinned. 

And so, Rubeus became the Rebound Boyfriend. 

Now, what I'm sure is really on your mind is... how'd Yoda do in the pole vault contest? Well, the Force was with him, but he ended up in second place after losig to Dakuan and his elongating staff. Tough break. 

Meanwhile, Hercule Poirot was busy looking over the crime scene when - Sorry, Wrong story! 

Meanwhile, Rubeus aka the Rebound Boyfriend was meticulously planning his evening apparel. "Should i wear the red vest thing with the green pants or the red vest thing with the green pants? So many choices..." He finally decided to go for the casual look: a red vest with a pair of his best green pants and his designer Calvin Klein jacket in jungle green. "I'm stylin'!" he said to himself and walked out the door to Rei's temple. 

At the temple, there was a knock on the door. 

"Hello? There is someone home?" came a voice from outside. 

'Who could it be at this hour? Rubeus isn't due for another hour," Rei said, rudely interrupted from her bubble bath. She wrapped a towel around her body and walked to the door. 

The figure at the door was preoccupied with a rock when Rei opened the door. "Wha- who the hell are you?!" Rei said to the rock which was mysteriously floating in the air. The rock then stopped hovering and sat in the air as this tiny figure appeared behind it. 

"I am Yoda," Yoda said. 

"Um... okay. And..." Rei asked. 

"I know not what will happen tonight," Yoda said. 

'Uh... do you want to come in?" 

"Why not yes?" And Yoda went into Rei's temple. 

Somewhere not too far from where this was taking place, Serena was meditating. She had actually just fallen asleep sitting up, but it looked like she was meditating. 

Suddenly, Serena sat up (which is quite a feat considering she was already "locked in an upright position") and screamed. Ami came running from her house. 

"What's wrong, Serena?" Ami said. "I was walking over and I was contemplating the molecular structure of logs which made me wonder about Tony-" Right then Serena screamed again. 

"I just had *sob* the most horrifying dream!" Serena cried. "I was in this 3-dimensional world and all of a sudden, this banjo music and- and.... WAAAA!!!" 

"What? What happened?" Ami said, clearly worried. 

"There, there was this big *guy* and... he had big brown glasses and he, he, he tried to sell me a rake! WAAAAAH!" And she started crying again. 

"Don't worry, Serena... It was only a dream. Such a thing couldn't possibly exist in real life," Ami said consolingly. (Oh, but it does, it does! The horror....) 

Now, at this point the Rebo- er, I mean, Rubeus was standing on Rei's doorstep, his CK Designer Jungle Green jacket casually draped over his shoulder. After doing a double check to make sure all was in order, he knocked on the door. 

Rei opened it, wearing a semi-short black skirt and looking very goot, at least in Rubeus' mind. Suddenly Rubeus looked over Rei's shoulder to see Yoda, sitting on a chair and eating a stick of Pocky. 

"What is THAT?" Rubeus asked. 

"Um... I'm not really sure," Rei said as Yoda hopped of the chair and waddled over to Rubeus. 

"Hmmm..." Yoda murmured, walking around Rubeus and inspecting him closely. Finally he stopped, looked up at Rubeus, and proclaimed, "You would make a rotten Jedi, yes?" Then he left. 

"Uh, okay..." Rubeus said with a bewildered look on his face. "So, where do you want to eat? Chinese or Italian?" 

"I can't decide. Hey, why not just got to Arashi's Chinese-Italian Eatery?" Rei suggested. 

"Fine with me." 

By some bizarre stroke of fortune found almost exclusively in stories, Kunzite, Zoisite, Jadeite, and Andrew were all at Arashi's too, on a double date. 

"Yes! This is my chance!!!" Rei thought to herself, latching on to Rubeus' arm (much to his delight). "I'm going to make Jadeite SO jealous!" And she giggled evilly. 

They picked a table right next to the foursome (kinky!) and Rei pretended not to notice them. Rubeus looked over and said, "Hey! Aren't you guys the Negaverse generals? But where's Nephrite? And who is this blond guy who's too nice for his own good?" (Rubeus is very good at telling what kind of people people are.) 

'Rubeus!" Rei hissed. "I didn't want them to know we were here!" But it was too late: the four guys turned around and started shaking hands. 

Just then, Jadeite saw who Rubeus was with. "Rei, what are you doing here?!" 

"I'm on a date with my boyfriend! What? Did you expect me to wait or something?" 

At the mention of the word "boyfriend", Rubeus drpoped his CK Designer Jungle Green jacket. "I'm your boyfriend?!" 

"Of course you are, DARLING!" Rei said, throwing her arms around Rubeus as his eyes bulged. (So d- err. Nevermind, I'm not gonna say it!) 

"Well, that's nice," Jadeite said cheerfully. "I'm glad to see you two are happy." Everyone returned to their respective tables. 

Rei was disappointed. 'He didn't seem jealous at ALL! Oh well, I'm sure I can fix that," she thought. 

Throughout their entire wonderful Chinese-Italian dinner, Rei was hitting VERY heavily on Rubeus. He was surprised at first but, being the suave guy that he is, soon began flirting back. 

Jadeite was totally engrossed in his companions and failed to notice. None of the others did either, since Zoisite was slurping spaghetti and looking totally kawaii. 

As dinner wound to a close, Rei was starting to get VERY angry. She needed to do something drastic. When she and Rubeus were about to leave, she suddenly threw her arms aroud his neck and kissed him deeply. 

The three generals and Andrew looked at them curiously, shrugged, and finished their dinners. 

Rei was very disappointed and starting to get even more desperate. (Rubeus was just sort of in shock.) 

"Hey, Rubeus," Rei said just a little too loudly. "Would you like to go back to my place... for some tea or... something?" This was followed by a knowing wink. 

Rubeus decided he liked Rei quite a bit. She had such a fiery spirit. (I know, bad joke. I couldn't resist.) He had a few doubts about taking things too quickly, but... "Okay," he said. "Shall we be going?" He held out his arm for her and she took it, noticing with satisfaction the troubled look on Jadeite's face. 

'I've gotten to him at last!' Rei thought gleefully. 

Moments after they'd gone, Jadeite let out a long sigh. "I'm at a loss," he said. "I really don't know what to do about this. I don't even know why I'm making it such a big deal, but that's the way it is... should I get dessert, or not?" He dropped the menu in frustration. 

Andrew laid a hand on his shoulder comfortingly. "I'll stand behind whatever decision you make," he said solemnly. 

Kunzite and Zoisite just stared at them like they were crazy. I wonder why? 

Since Rubeus really thought... something was going to happen, he was totally unprepared for what came next. 

"Well, what I had in mind was..." she looked at him provocatively and batter her eyelashes. "Could we go see 'Barney's Great Adventure'?" 

Rubeus looked at her, stunned. Could it be? The one girl he had ever asked out because when he was younger he had a severe fear of rejection liked... Barney? The horrid, purple and green dinosaur with his own TV show? The evil that is children's programming? "NOOOOOOOOOOO!!! HE'S EEEEEEVILLLLLLLL!!!!!!" Rubeus yelled, and ran away. "I'll never date you again!!!!" 

"What's wrong with Barney? He's cute, funny, and I learn so much from him," Rei said as she stood there watching Rubeus run away. 

Rubeus froze. "I guess you have a point," he called out, slowly walking back to Rei. (He'd gotten pretty far away, but he has exceptional hearing, remember?) "I guess I can date someone who likes Barney, but that doesn't mean I have to like him, so I won't take you to the movie." 

"Fair enough," said Rei. "We'll stay here and f***." In some dark and twisted corner of her mind she was thinking, "If we're loud enough maybe Jadeite will hear and be jealous!" 

All bluntness aside, we move on to more important things... 

Ami was writing a paper. The paper wasn't due for another month but Ami was one page from being finished anyway. As she sat at her computer screen, the keys tapping beneath her fingers, she couldn't shake the feeling that someone was watching her. As she was writing the climax (perhaps a reference to the above situation...?) of the paper on mallard ducks and their affect on the rise and fall of the Roman Empire (it was a biology/history paper), she could hear a faint voice from her window. She paused her tying and listened. It sounded almost unnatural, this low, growling noise coming from the cherry tree outside her window. 

Curiosity got the best of Ami, and she went over to the window and opened it, peering out. What she saw really surprised her. 

Zoisite was hanging precariously from one of the tree's upper limbs, eyes wide with fear. Perched on a lower branch, and growling at the top of its voice, was a giant furry... koala? 

"Excuse me, Zoisite, but are you frightened of that harmless little animal?" Ami asked. 

"Shhh!" Zoisite hissed. "It's an awfully LARGE koala..." He fell into a bout of whimpering. 

Ami rolled her eyes and left the window to go out and lend him a hand. Just as she reached the tree, however, a broom whacked the koala in the head and it fell to the ground, dazed. 

"C'mon, girl, let's go home now," said the figure weilding the broom as he started herding the semi-conscious animal away. "I'm really sorry she scared you like that," he called up to Zoisite. "I won't let her get away again." 

"Thanks a lot for that, Mr... uh..." Ami paused. 

"Shinnosuke," he replied, then waved goodbye and left. 

Zoisite dropped from the tree a moment later. "Wow, he was cute," he comented. 

"I suppose," Ami agreed. "Now, why were you in the tree in the first place?" 

"Collecting cherry blossoms, of course," he replied. "I harvest them and put them into 'Hammerspace' - the technical term for the place from which animated characters can pull just about anything, seemingly from thin air. So, I put my petals in, and then when I say "Zoi!" and shoot them, I'm actually summoning them from Hammerspace!" 

"Ah, I see," Ami said, finding the whole thing entirely fascinating. "So, why isn't Kunzite with you tonight?" 

"Because," Zoisite said matter-of-factly, "I can tell no one the secret behind my petals, even my darling Kunzite." 

Ami fought to keep from rolling her eyes. "Oh yes, of course, why didn't I see it before?" 

"Hey, Ami?" Zoisite asked out of the blue. "Wanna go see 'Barney's Great Adventure' with me?" 

Ami blinked in surprise and considered the offer. Barney was very educational and a positive role model for preschoolers, she had to admit. "I... suppose," she said. "Oh... are you asking me on a date?" 

"What?! OF course not! You know I don't like girls in that way. I'm not remotely attracted to you. In fact, the thought makes me sick." 

"Thank you SO much for the boost of self esteem," Ami said dryly. 

"You're welcome. So, when do you want to go? I've been wanting to see it for quite some time, but Kunzite flatly refuses to go..." 

"Well, I have to finish up my paper tonight, and I have a computer class tomorrow, but it gets out at seven so maybe we could go after that?" 

"Okay!!!" Zoisite said, sounding like a little kid on a sugar high. "I'll see you then!" And, in a flurry of newly attained cherry petals, he vanished. 

Kunzite was attempting to watch Ninja Scroll. 'Wow,' he was thinking, 'Kagero is hot. And Yurimaru isn't bad either.' However, he was soon distracted by Zoisite, who was bouncing all over the place saying "Boingy, boingy, boingy," a la Animaniacs. 

"Uh, excuse me, Zoisite darling?" he called. "Could you maybe calm down a little? I'm trying to watch something here..." 

Zoisite began giggling somewhat hysterically. 

"Well," said Kunzite, giving up and stopping the movie. "Would you mind telling me what you're so happy about?" 

Zoisite bounced onto the couch, threw his arms aroud Kunzite, and whispered in his ear, "I'm gonna see BARNEY!" Then he fell over giggling again. 

"Oh, that's nice. You found someone to go with you?" Kunzite asked. 

"Yeah. See, there was this big koala that had me cornered, and then this cute guy showed up and hit it with a broom, and- " 

"Wait," Kunzite interrupted, "You mean you asked some strange guy to go out with you?!" 

"No, of course not!" ZOisite said, sticking his tongue out at Kunzite. "He left. I asked Ami." 

"Oh." 'Well, no harm in that,' Kunzite thought.Zosite began giggling again. The mood was rubbing off. "Laugh, will you?! Well, I'll give you something to laugh about!" And with that, Kunzite held Zoisite down and began tickling him. 

They both laughed until they could barely breathe, and then sat on the couch trying to catch their breath. "Now," said Kunzite, "I'm going to finish watching Ninja Scroll. Care to join me?" 

Zoisite curled up beside Kunzite and rested his head against his shoulder, and they watched the rest of the movie. 

That night ended a happy one for almost everyone involved in this story. 

Rubeus lay sleeping peacefully beside Rei. 

Andrew lay sleeping peacefully beside Jadeite. 

Ami lay sleeping peacefully beside her computer. 

Zoisite lay sleeping peacefully beside Kunzite. 

Luna lay sleeping peacefully beside Artemis. 

Darien lay sleeping peacefully beside his curtains. 

Lauren lay sleeping peacefully beside Sam Neill. 

P-chan lay sleeping peacefully beside Akane... 

"And we don't have anyone!" whined Serena, Mina, and Lita. 

The next morning, Serena, Mina, and Lita wree still whining over their lack of a love life. Actually, they were talking about each other under their breath. 

"Of course, we all know why Mina doesn't have a boyfriend," Serena whispered to Lita not too softly. "It's because she's-" 

"Because I'm what?" Mina said. 

"Because... you're... so beautiful all the guys think you must already have a boyfriend," Lita and Serena said, lying through their teeth. 

"Really?! You... really think so?" Mina said as her eyes got big and wavery-like. She's a little dense. 

"Um... yeah... sure..." And they ran off before she could say anything else. 

Mina suddenly had a whole lot more self-confidence. "I'm going to go flirt heavily with the first cute guy I see!" she proclaimed, running out into the street... 

...and right into Sam Neill. 

"Oh, I'm very sorry," he said politely, and left. 

"Wow, he's cute!" Mina thought. "Too bad he's taken already. No point in going after him..." And she went off down the street. 

Mina's quest will continue (if Lauren doesn't kill her off) in a moment. But first, let's take a look at what some of the other characters are doing. 

Darien realized that Tuxedo Mask just wasn't the same without his cape, so he purchased a new one. However, their relationship was purely platonic, so the curtains didn't mind. 

Nephrite was showing Molly the joys of Anthracite Coal Land's oh-so-yummy chicken sandwiches while Rezo looked on. 

Rubeus was happily making breakfast for Rei, who was thinking only of Jadeite, like she had been all night. (Uh... never mind.) 

Jadeite wasn't thinking of Rei at all. He was watching old reruns of Speed Racer while Andrew was at the grocery store. 

The other Scouts were all hanging around being bored. 

Zoisite was all hyper about the Barney movie still. He bounced around as soon as he woke up, ate a bowl of Corn Pops, and hopped (literally) into the shower, where he sand at the top of his lungs anything that came into his head. 

Kunzite read the paper as he was serenaded with everything from the oh-so-catchy "yappappa" Ranma opening to the Opera Song from FF3. 

"You make me feel like a natural wo-maaaaan...." Zoisite sang loudly. 

Kunzite got a large sweatdrop and concentrated on the paper. 

As Mina was walking down the street, Yoda was walking the other way with an ice cream cone. The streets were very crowded and Mina wasn't looking where she was going, and she ran into Yoda. Now, Yoda had no way of getting around her so he walked right into her knees and his ice cream cone fell on Mina's shoes. 

"AAAAAA! My shoes are ruined!" Mina screamed and ran away never to be seen again. 

Never to be seen by Yoda, anyway. She ended up crashing into a garbage can that turned out to be Tsubasa in disguise, and they ended up falling in love, getting married, and having many children. (Isn't the thought of Tsubasa as a father totally weird?) That was all in the future, however. 

In the meantime, this high-pitched whistling noise started coming from the sky. "What IS that NOISE?!" Mina said and looked up. A big meteorite was headed straight for Mina! All she could do was stand there as the meteorite squashed her like a bug. 

There was an electronic whir and a hatch opened in the front of the "meteorite". A girl with long, dark brown hair got out of the "cockpit" and surveyed the damage. Once she realized this was the end of Mina and Sailor Venus, she gave a victory cry and did "the butt dance". Finally, her enemy was dead. 

"Stop killing Mina!" yelled another girl, this one with long dark blond hair. She pointed and Mina was revived. "I put up with your Sam Neill stuff! Just let Mina and Tsubasa run away and be happy! They never even have to appear in this story again, okay???" She paused. "And maybe I'll get you a date with Kunzite to make it worth your while." 

"Okay," the girl with the dark brown hair said. She walked off into the sunset with her creative liscence in hand to do more damage to anyone who crossed her path. Like... putting a big, puffy pink dress on the girl with the dark blond hair. 

"Grr, I hate when she does that," said the blond. she looked down at Mina and Tsubasa, who were staring wide-eyed. 

"Shoo!" she said. "Go away! Go fall in love!" 

"Uhhh, whatever..." they mumbled, wandering away. 

"Now, where were we," she muttered. "Oh, yeah." 

In another time and place... 

"BARNEY!" Zoisite was yelling, still bouncing around. Kunzite was starting to get a bit fed up. Sure, he loved Zoisite, but Kunzite still got a bit annoyed sometimes. At the moment he was hiding under the bed while the super-hyper Zoisite bounced unendingly. 

"How can I calm Zoisite down? His infatuation with Barney is utterly disgusting," Kunzite thought. Luckily, a leprechaun appeared under the bed with Kunzite. 

"And what is your question, lad?" the leprechaun inquired. 

Kunzite was not expecting this so he screamed and bumped his head on the bed. "Ahem, sorry," Kunzite said as he composed himself. "I would like to know how to calm Zoisite down. He keeps yelling about Barney and... I think I might cry," Kunzite said and put his hands to his face. "It's just so sniff FRUSTRATING!" 

The leprechaun took one look at Kunzite and said, "What you need is a theme song." Kunzite looked incredulously at the leprechaun. "A... theme song? Like the X-Files theme?" 

The leprechaun thought a moment. "Yes... but no. Try to think of another one." And the leprechaun was gone. 

Meanwhile, Darien was sitting in a bar in Anthracite Coal Land. He was surrounded by beer glasses. He was, apparantly, drunk. 

"God, I'm so depressed," Darien moaned. "All my friends have gone and my curtains ran off with my, er, Tuxedo Mask's cape. Life sucks." Darien got up from his bar stool with a glass of clear liquid in his hand. He stumbled and fell. "The only thing I can do is drink myself into oblivion. To disappear from this cold, rocky hell called Anthracite Coal Land. This dull, dark, damp, stinky-cheese hell hole." Darien struggled to his feet and struck a dramatic "God-I'm-depressed" pose. He promptly fell back down. 

As he was sprawled on the floor, a figure came and stood beside him. It was Ryan Stiles. 

"Hey, buddy, what's up?" said Ryan. 

Darien looked at Ryan and then back at the floor. "Can't you tell? I'm depressed and drinking is the only vice I have left." Darien started sobbing. 

"Drinking ice water?" Ryan said. 

"No, this is rum. Duh." 

Ryan sniffed the glass. "Nope, I'm pretty sure this is just ice water." 

Darien looked up at Ryan. He jumped to his feet. "That would explain why I have to go to the bathroom so much. Excuse me." Darien ran to the restroom. 

"No problem!" Ryan called after him and walked off into the sunset. 

A few minutes later, as Darien emerged from the bathroom, he made a decision. Striking a dramatic pose, music swelling, he proclaimed to the world, "I will quite this pointless moping! I WILL FIND MY TRUE LOVE!" 

Unfortunately he will remain unable to until the author figures out who that may be. 

Zoisite and Ami were, at long last, going to see the Barney movie. He was still ultra-hyper. Sadly, however, the rush wore off midway through and he fell totally asleep. Ami was so engrossed in the movie that she didn't notice, and he missed the whole thing. He had some really cool and trippy dreams, though, so he didn't really mind. 

When he got home, after thanking Ami sincerely and thinking that she was actually a little bit cute, he immediately found himself being confronted by a frustrated Kunzite. 

I need a song! he yelled. Help! A song about me! 

Zoisite thought a few seconds. Then a light bulb appeared and he sang the first thing on his mind. 

You are my Kunzite, my only Kunzite, you make me happy when skies are grey... 

Kunzite laughed as Zoisite continued. 

You'll never know, dear, how much I love you... He leapt into Kunzite's arms for the conclusion. Please don't take my Kunzite awaaaay! 


End file.
